The Climb... My journey through life.

Where has the time gone?!?!?

2010-12-14T09:45:00.000-08:00

I just read my last post and I can't believe it has been 3 whole months! So much has happened. For starters, I'm due in 6 days!!! Just to touch on my last post (if anyone out there even remembers where I was then!), I nicely settled into not working and in the past couple of months I have gotten a lot of rest and we're just about ready for baby's arrival.

I'm just going to fast forward to today, and not get stuck on filling you in on the daily grind of the past 3 months. Nothing too exciting has gone on, other than a completely healthy pregnancy. I've been so lucky and really really have enjoyed being pregnant!

I had an ultrasound last Monday (8 days ago now), and that was exactly two weeks before my due date... The ultrasound showed that the baby was weighing 8 lbs 4 oz at that point, and I got incredibly nervous about having a c-section. I've just been so afraid of the recovery from a c-section. I know people (a best friend and my sister in-law) who have had c-sections and swear by them...not at all bothered by it. But we live on the 3rd floor and I just really want the freedom to come and go as I please when the baby is here. I'm sure I'll be home-bound for a while anyway, but I still would like to avoid a c-section if possible. Certainly not at the cost of the baby's safety, or anything like that. Anyway, I had this big idea that at my next dr appt (which was last Thursday) my doctor would say - let's schedule you for an induction before this baby gets too big! Boy, was I wrong! When I realized how off I was on this assumption, I just crumbled and cried my eyes out. My poor doctor. He is so so kind and certainly felt sorry that I was upset, but was not budging on his decision to "see what happens." Ugh. I'm actually in no real rush to deliver before my due date, but I'm in even less of a rush to go PAST my due date. If the ultrasound was accurate (which I realize is not always the case), and the baby gains a pound a week (which I also realize is the high end, but still a possibility) and my doctor lets me go 10 days past my due date...she'll weigh close to 12 poundssssssss! That can't happen, right? He won't let that happen, right? YIKES! So there's my big concern these days. That's not to say that I don't have a million other scary thoughts on a daily basis about the baby's health, the delivery, how things will be when we all get home, etc. I even had a dream that I gave birth to a two year old boy! Hahaha! And somehow it wasn't creepy at all. Dreams are strange. Especially these days!

On another note, my mom arrives today! I'm really excited to have her around... I was a little concerned that the baby might not wait until Grammy arrived, but here we are. That's a really good thing - especially for Ed. Poor Ed was so nervous that he'd have to get me through labor without my mom. Hahaha! Poor guy has a very weak stomach and is really unsure about how this is all going to go. I'm sure he'll pull through like a champ at such a time, but I guess ya never know. It'll be nice to have my mom around, putting all of her motherly touches on everything like she does. It seems my mom has taken to being a grandmother much better and whole-heartedly than she took to being a mom. My brother's kids are very lucky and now my little lovebug will be so lucky, too. My brother has my mom close (very close, in fact...in his house!), but I'm ok with the 2000 miles in between us for the most part. I know that my brother and I always had a very close with our grandmother who lived out of state, so I know it can be done. But for this month that she's here, I'll surely enjoy having her simmering stews on the stove and cuddling the wee one while I rest, etc. Although our apartment is cozy and warm, my mom has a way of making every place a little homier. We do really well 2000 miles apart and I'm hoping we won't be at each other's throats in a week... Haha! I really think, given the circumstances, we'll do just fine this time around.

My in-laws have decided that they won't be making it here for the birth of the baby, but that's ok. I understand. Portugal is so far away and they need to be here some time in January or February for our nephew's baptism so they'll meet the baby then.

Let's see...what else should I fill you in after all this time? Oh! I had the most amazing baby shower!!!! 8 of my closest friends (seriously!) put it on and it was seriously the best shower I've ever been to! I'm not sure if I'm partial because it was given in my honor, but really - the girls pulled out all the stops! I should put up some pics! We got showered with more love (and gifts!)than we could have ever imagined!!! Really a spectacular day!!!

Our dear dear friend finished making all the bedding and it came out better than I had hoped! I knew she was talented, but I had no idea just HOW talented! It was her first time ever doing any kind of bedding and she really rocked it! I'll definitely post pics of that soon, too! Our bedroom (reminder: we live in a 1 bedroom, so we combined the nursery and our bedroom) looks so great! We're both really happy with the way it all came out. The baby has everything she would in a nursery (aside from a crib)...the bassinet, a bookshelf filled with her books, her own closet, changing table, glider. Everything. And I really think it looks great...not too crammed or anything, even with all of our furniture. We got rid of the 2 bedside tables that we had (well, put them in storage) and combined our clothes in one closet (can't believe our unborn child has more clothes than we do!) and it's worked so perfectly. So happy about that. The plan still remains to be into a 2 or 3 bedroom place by the time Laney is 6 months old, but still really relieved to be comfy in this apartment for now.

I've gained exactly 40 pounds as of now, and I wish I could say I'm at a stand still. I'm not. My eating has picked back up (after having lost 2 pounds at my appt 2 wks ago, and stayed the same last week) and I'm not really excited to step on the scale at my appt tomorrow. I'm really really hating seeing myself in the mirror and disappointed that my face has gotten so fat! I know it's silly...I know I'm 9 months pregnant. I tell myself that every day. But I was feeling so good...so confident...so "all belly" for so long. And now all I see is this neck...ugh! How silly to get caught up in this at such a happy time, but I can't help it. I foresee a huge struggle to get this weight off after the baby... I hope I'm wrong. I'm already researching switching my gym membership to a gym that offers childcare and classes that I like (I was an avid spinner back in my more active days). Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! Weight. Such an ongoing stress for me. Ok. I'm done. I'm only 5 pounds over the limit my dr had given me back when I first got pregnant, so I guess that's not too bad.

That about does it for now. I have a long to do list to get done (thanks to the hubby - King of To Do Lists!) today, before my mom comes in. I hope to blog soon!

In a bit of a funk

2010-09-21T15:19:00.000-07:00

So this whole not working thing isn't really working out for me. I'm not super psyched to be sitting around, and I'm even less psyched to be living on one paycheck. We can certainly get by on just my husband's salary, but it's not what we're used to and it's not particularly fun. I've been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately, which is not a good thing to feel.

I keep wondering: "How the hell did I end up here...6 months pregnant, jobless and living in a one bedroom apartment?!?!?" I realize that my foolish decisions in the past have landed me here. Why did I quit school with so little time left? Why?!?!? I could SCREAM! Everyone said - don't do it, you'll never go back blah blah blah. Did I listen? Noooooooo. Ugh!

So here I sit, thinking back to before we started trying to get pregnant. I remember specifically sitting down with my bosses (the parents of the kids I was nannying for) to make sure that we were all on the same page before we went ahead with IVF. We were. We were all very excited that I wanted to stay on after the baby was born, and that I would take the baby to work with me. It would be the 4th kid in the mix, but we were ALL ok with that. Excited about it, actually. And both of my bosses were completely OK with me taking 1-2 months off when the baby would be born. This is a complete rarity in the world of nannying. There aren't many people who want their nanny to bring their own child to work...for a number of reasons. Reasons that I understand. Reasons I can't argue with. BUT this wasn't one of those families. They thought it would be wonderful...the 2 big kids would be in school most of the day and it would just be the baby (who would be over 18 months by the time my baby arrived) and my little girl. Perfect! And yet here I sit. Jobless. I'm not suggesting that the family completely change their lives to make me happy. I'm just simply venting. Situations change, I know this. I just wish THIS situation hadn't changed when it had. I was having a hard time with the oldest child, I know. My work was bringing me to tears at times, I know. But I never planned on quitting. I was going to stick it out until things got better. I was determined to make it work. But then BAM! I had no choice. I was relieved at first. I really was. But now that it's a reality and I've been without work for a couple of weeks, THIS SUCKS.

I've been exploring my options, it just seems that my options are very limited. In fact, non-existent. My first choice was to go back to school...well, loan consolidation and red tape are making it tough to just get back in school. Which means this semester is out. Maybe next semester, who knows. Subbing has proven to be a bit of a let down... I had this idea that I'd be getting all kinds of calls by now. I think I've had 2 half days of subbing so far. I certainly can't rely on that. I've gotten some here and there babysitting offers, and I've jumped on those. But again, maybe 3 since I've not been working.

I had a complete meltdown that came out of nowhere on Saturday night. My poor husband. We were just sitting there about to start a movie and he asked: "Are you ok?" I completely burst into tears. I went on and on about this wasn't supposed to happen and how did we end up here and on and on and on. Needless to say, we didn't watch a movie and went to bed early. He really is a kind kind man, and I'm so thankful he is in my life. I had another meltdown today, while I was talking to one of my best friends. She was great and gave me a big pep talk about how I need to take on being a SAHW as my job until my next opportunity is here. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to get up and out of my robe and get outside and enjoy the sunshine on this beautiful day, but I just couldn't. After a good hour of sobbing I got a text from Ed and I explained that I was in the midst of another pity party and he was so good. Made me feel so much better. This next paragraph is a text I got from Ed today, after I texted him the question: Do you think we still would've tried to get pregnant if we knew we'd be in this situation now (me, jobless with no prospectives)?

His response was:
"Well...we knew that we weren't getting any younger and that given our medical situation we couldn't do the custom family planning...if we waited for the ideal time it may never come. It isn't like we are bringing a baby into a broken home. I struggle, probably like you, in reconciling what my mind had dreamt up as ideal...a home, painting a baby's room, setting up a swing set in a huge backyard, having a kick ass family car, no money issues...all while you're a SAHM, etc. with our reality now, which lacks those things. I wish I could give you that and it kills me. However, even though our dream doesn't match our reality, the dream of having a family with you based on love makes it all so right and I would not trade my life with you for anything."

That, my friends, is why I married this man. He is absolutely right. We're blessed. I'm blessed. I am. I know this. I just needed a moment to feel sorry for myself, I guess (or a few days!). After all of this, I felt better. Got myself dressed and went for a long walk along the water, came home, cleaned up and got dinner started. I feel so much better. Still jobless and nervous as all get out, but hopeful that things will fall into place eventually.

Lacking motivation to blog...

2010-09-16T16:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what my blogging slump is all about... Things are going well over here, but I haven't been able to sit down and write like I usually like to. There is a blog that I read from time to time who posts these pregnancy surveys (or whatever you might call them), so I figured I'd fill this in, just to post something. Don't give up on reading my blog, please! I'll be back! And soon!

Date/Week: Sept 16/ week 26

Total weight gain/loss: 24 lbs! Yikes! But I love my belly, so I'm not complaining!

Milestones: I've just started feeling Laney move on a regular basis, these past couple of days. Last week I had an evening when she was REALLY active and moving like crazy! And then I didn't feel anything for 2 whole days. Thank goodness for our doppler! But these past 3 days, Little Laney Loo has been consistently active at the same time each day. It's been great! And Ed can almost always feel her kicking away in the early mornings. Fun stuff!

Physical Progress: I'm still quite large for how far along I am, but again - I'm honestly ok with it. I wanted a big ole pregnant belly, and now I certainly have one! I can still hike up our 3 fights of stairs without much trouble, which I'm thankful for. I'm worried about how that will change in the next few weeks, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. My husband is great about carrying anything and everything, when necessary. I get a lot of: "NO! Sit down! Don't do that! Let me get that!" from everyone (not Ed, necessarily - just the general public) and I want to say: "I'm just pregnant!" Maybe I should take more advantage of these situations, but I know when I need to sit and when I need to say I can't do something. I actually have no trouble saying, "Sorry, but I can't do that," if something seems to heavy or too physically hard.

Symptoms: I have to say, I have just about everything that is considered "normal" in the books I read... I have leg cramps at night (that go away as soon as I flex my foot), I have hot flashes, extra hungry, restless sleep, nausea almost every morning, extra emotional (cry over EVERYTHING!), messed up movements (if you know what I mean), and so on. Heightened sense of smell, extra quick gag reflex. What else? Lots of things! But none of it is too unbearable. Except the heartburn! Oh! The heartburn! Yesterday, my dr suggested that I start taking zantac rather than overdosing on Tums (for fear of kidney stones). I'll probably make that switch soon.

How do I feel about my body: As I've mentioned, I'm loving the belly! My husband giggles when I walk into the room sometimes and then we both just crack up at how BIG my belly is. I love it. Sure, I'm not crazy about the double chin that is in full swing, or the feet turned blocks. But really? I love being pregnant! I feel great!

Food Cravings/Aversions: Same that it's been since I was about 7 weeks along... Strong aversion to my favorite veggies (asparagus and spinach), LOVING bagels, LOVING cereal, LOVING ice cream. Basically, the opposite of a healthy diet. I do eat a lot of fruit and drink mostly water (with an occasional Caramel Frappe from McD's - gasp!).

Sleep: Very bumpy sleep schedule. I tend to wake up between 3-5am and then I can't get back to sleep. Laney is also up, kicking and rolling around at this time, which I pretty much love. But then I get soooooooo sleepy around 8 or 9am. Some days I can go back to sleep, but then I sleep til noon and have a hard time falling asleep at night and the cycle continues. I can't figure out what the heck to do about it. Oh well.

Energy Level: Pretty good, for the most part. I get tired, but I can still last out at night, etc. I went out Saturday night (my brother was in town for a wedding on Sunday, so the 4 of us - my brother, SIL, husband, and myself!) for a late dinner and got up early Sunday morning for wedding shenanigans and then stayed at the wedding until about 11pm on Sunday night. I wasn't too exhausted. Wait - I did have a 2 hr nap before the wedding. Hahahaha! Ok, so I get a little tired if I overdo it.

Exercise: Yikes! I wish this wasn't on the list. I'm rather embarrassed to say that I get very little exercise, other than the 3 flights of stairs to get to our apartment. I did walk around a lot in San Diego (and whined about it, too!), and I try to walk some, but I just don't. I need to, especially while I can. I'm afraid I'm going to start rusting up and then I won't be able to! Ugh.

Baby Movement: Oops! See above: Milestones.

Thoughts and Feelings: I still can't get over how quickly this is all happening! I got my shower invitation in the mail today and I just can't believe MY BABY SHOWER is next month! I might mentioned that I'm absolutely THRILLED about my baby shower - all of my close girlfriends are planning it together and the invitation is the 1st glimpse I've gotten of it. I just KNOW it's going to be PERFECT! But yes - back to my thoughts and feelings about HOLY MOLY, I'M HAVING A BABY! It's getting so real. When should I start washing tiny baby clothes? When should I start setting up her little things? When should I start packing a bag. I really feel it's too early, but is it? Certainly, I don't need my hospital bag yet, but the other stuff I can probably start slowly any time. Right? I don't know. I just can't even believe I'M HAVING A BABY! So nuts! I signed Ed up for the Boot Camp for New Dads. Hahaha! He's going to have so much fun there, I just know it. And how cute is it that the new dads bring their little babies back at 3 months to show off for the new dads to be in the next session. I just melt thinking about it. So cute! I'm also thinking a lot about breastfeeding. I have a little bit of anxiety about it. I just want it all to work out SOOOOOO badly that I fear I'm setting myself up for failure. I want to be able to breastfeed (solely breastfeed or pump) for 1 year. I fear that may be unrealistic, but I reallllllly want to be able to do that. Fingers crossed!

What I am looking forward to: Seeing the baby! There are lots of other things to come first that I'm so excited for before that though... Like the shower!!!! Whoop! And more kicking and moving! I'm really looking for regular movement all day long.

What I am reading/things I'm learning: I check on my whereabouts in What to Expect When You're Expecting just about every week, and I read it out loud to Ed. It's fun to know that my uterus is now the shape/size of a basketball and the baby is the size of an eggplant. ;-)

Ok, that about does it! Ed just got home from work, so I'm going to go spend some time before I head off to bed, even though it's only 8:15! I'm hoping that since I didn't take a nap (much to my dismay!) today, I can sleep through the night. Here's to hoping...

How did I get to be 23 weeks pregnant already?!?!

2010-08-23T15:04:00.000-07:00

Every week I'm amazed at how quickly this pregnancy is progressing! As I'm sure I've mentioned, I thought for sure these 9 months were going to crawl by, but next week I hit 6 months! Wow!

I had my OB appt today and all is well. I only gained 5 pounds in the last 5 weeks, which is so much better than the 10 that I gained during the 4 weeks before my last appt. I thought for sure I was going to go over 200 pounds and I was definitely bracing myself. I've never been thin, and so I knew I'd be over 200 pounds during my pregnancy, but I'm really happy to know that I'm far enough away from that dreaded number that I'll hopefully start my 3rd trimester before I get there. Not much goes on at these regular OB appts it seems - a urine check, weight check, fetal heart check (which is always fun!), and time for questions. All good stuff, but nothing too too exciting.

I mentioned in a previous post that my oh-so-kind doctor mentioned that we may be able to finagle a 2nd ultrasound in, since my placenta is blocking most of the fetal kicks and movement that I should be feeling. I was sent on my way today with a wink and a "good luck" as I got a requisite form for an ultrasound next week! I can't say enough how kind my doctor (and his nurse practitioner, who I saw today - since my dr was on vaca) is. So next Tuesday we go in for an ultrasound, just to make sure everything is ok - and to hopefully put to rest the idea that this might be a baby girl that I'm carrying around. I'm sure it's a girl, but there's still that 10% chance that has us wondering. I have to say that I'm a little worried that this baby bug will be asleep again, because the ultrasound is at 8:40am and that seems to be a pretty quiet time for her. Our 18 week ultrasound was at 8am and the baby slept through the whole thing and that was why there wasn't a completely accurate sex check. We're both really excited for the ultrasound next week!

I have a new found love for Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I've discovered the flavor called: everything but the.... It's DELICIOUS! A collision of chocolate and vanilla ice creams mixed with heath bar chunks, peanut butter cups and fudge covered almonds.

My husband and I had the big soda debate again last night... I feel so strongly about this soda issue, and I can't let it go. I try. I really do. Ed would never ever tell me I can't have anything. Especially if I really loved it. BUT. I do not want to be a household that has soda. I just don't. It's gross, it's full of sugar and it has NO nutritional value. I don't know how I can sit here and gush about how in love I am with ice cream and in the next paragraph tell you all how I NEED my husband to stop buying soda for the house. I realize how fucked up that is, but I still feel that way. I had been successful in getting this through to Ed before I got pregnant. I'm pretty sure I even cried about it back then. Then early on in my pregnancy, when I was really really nauseous and sick all the time, I had some gingerale in the house. Now, for some reason, even though I haven't had any gingerale in weeks(!), Ed still buys it every week at the grocery store and proceeds to drink it. The thing about the soda is that I know Ed drinks soda (coke, no less!) at work and any time we're outside of the house (restaurants, friends' houses, baseball games, concerts, etc.). Ed doesn't just drink one soda...he drinks 4 or more at any given outing. And when there's soda in the house, he just drinks it until it's gone. Sometimes the whole 2 liter bottle in one night. And now he has this thing that we *have* to have gingerale on hand at all times, just in case I get queasy and need it. Well...that doesn't happen. Why can't I get just let it go? Why can't Ed just drink whatever he wants, whenever he wants it? Now I'm faced with the idea that our children are going to grow up in a household that has soda. Soda is gross. Nasty. If you put a penny in soda - it disintegrates!!! People! How nasty can you get?!?!??! Ok. I'm done. To each his own, everyone has their vices and soda is Ed's. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he drinks soda. BUT COME ON! I HATE IT! Wait. Didn't I say I was done? Ok, I'm done.

We went to Ikea last week and got all the things I mentioned in my last post. It was a lot of fun! Now I just need to figure out who I'm going to hit up to actually sew the bassinet sheets and skirt with all the material I bought! Ed has a lot of little aunts who can do it and I also have a really good friend who can sew absolutely ANYTHING. I wish Ed's mom was here - because I know she'd really enjoy doing it the most. But she's all the way in Portugal and shipping it there and trying to get across exactly what I want is really unrealistic.

Ed thought of the perfect middle name to go with one of our two names that we've decided on... In case you forgot or haven't read the name post from a few weeks ago, we have narrowed it down to 2 names for girls: Drew Madalena or Madalena (but calling her Lainey). We didn't have a middle name that we loved to go with Madalena (because we want to save Drew in case we have another girl down the road). This was driving me crazy because it was holding me back from being able to fully decide on a name. I knew I wanted a one syllable name for the middle name because Madalena is kind of a mouth full as it is. So Ed came up with Madalena Rose. I absolutely LOVE it and I am definitely leaning more toward Lainey now. Ed still likes Drew better than Madalena but is leaving the final decision up to me. Since Madalena is his mother's name, he really can't object. So still Drew or Lainey, but feeling really strongly about Lainey. Feels good!

My shower is being planned!!! How fun is that?!?!? I have such an amazing group of friends and I know it's going to be perfect! I was in the loop with some of the planning for a split second (bless my one friend's heart - who sings like a canary), but I started to stress about the burden I was putting on everyone by having too big of a guest list, etc. and so I'm now shut out of everything. Even though I'm so nosey, I think this is a good thing. So. Flippin. Excited!!!!

Nursery Ideas

2010-08-09T18:14:00.000-07:00

Ed and I are taking a trip to Ikea over the weekend and I'm seriously considering getting some bedding and accessories from there. Not sure if I've mentioned it on here or not, but we're staying in our one bedroom apartment for a few months after the baby is born, so we're going to have to turn a portion of our bedroom into the nursery. When we were first talked about this, I was adamant that NO WAY would this be ok. Now that my job is coming to an end, we really don't want to get into a sticky situation financially, by taking on more monthly bills when my income is so up in the air. I've come to terms with this decision, and realize we really don't have much choice in the matter for now. We currently have blue walls with white trim, so here is what I'm thinking...

For the bed sheet in the bassinet, this:

And the skirt that goes to the floor from the bottom of the bassinet: (the first textile, top left)

If this all seems too loud, I got a good suggestion from a friend to just use a solid color for the skirt...Not sure why I hadn't thought of it, but it does go all the way down to the floor so it may need to be solid - not so loud.

I think I may have mentioned that I bought a used bassinet on craigslist. It's the white wicker bassinet from Pottery Barn. I'm thinking a white changing table, too, but we haven't bought that yet.

These will be the boxes on the open shelves under the changing table:

And then this will be the hamper for the baby's clothes:

It's not too too girlie, but there's still some pink in the design so it's not boyish either. And it'll go with our blue and white decor. I may have to get some solid throw pillows for our bed. Our bedding is all white, which is nice. I'm excited!!! What do you think?????

She's a mover and a shaker!

2010-08-09T16:22:00.000-07:00

So today was a big day for me... Our little baby was rolling around and kicking way to the right side and I could actually feel and SEE it happening! It was the strangest thing and I had to have the 5 yr old that I nanny for come over to tell me I wasn't crazy. Even he saw two big kicks! It was my first time feeling anything other than the little flick inside my belly that are the softest of kicks (which are happening more and more frequently and which I LOVE, I might add). I guess I expected my stomach to need to be super hard in order to actually see a kick. Turns out, that's not true because today my belly was rather soft when all this happened. Speaking of really hard bellies...

Saturday night was my high school reunion (15 years!)... Since I was the one putting on the reunion, I was on my feet most of the day getting things ready, and the party lasted from 7pm until about 12:30am. At about 10:30pm my stomach got as hard as a rock(!) and I felt a strong pressure on both sides of my belly! It was insane and I knew I needed to drink more water (even though that's all I was drinking all night!) and get my feet up asap. The reunion was supposed to be over at 11pm, but just when the dj told everyone the night was over, people were begging for more - and who am I to stop a great party, especially when I'm getting the credit!!? But I was exhausted, to say the least. This tightness lasted only a few minutes and then it passed and I was able to move on, but I did take it very easy for the rest of the night.

Ed was concerned yesterday and asked me to call the doctor. I called and spoke to the call nurse today about what went on Saturday night and it turns out that it was my first braxton hicks! I never suspected this would happen so early, but clearly, I'm actually 5 months pregnant no matter how deep my denial goes. I'm not sure why I feel like I need to be pinched every day, but I guess it's because I just feel so incredibly lucky. How does one person get so many of her life-long dreams and prayers answered in just 2 short years??

Yesterday was our 1 year anniversary! In some ways I simply can't believe that it's been a year - it's flown by, to say the least! In other ways, it seems like Ed and I have been together forever! I can't explain how much I love being married. Last night while we were out to dinner (at a very fancy place, I might add - http://duckworthsbistrot.com ) Ed asked me how I liked being married... I explained that I absolutely am so much more comfortable in my skin and with my life. It's hard to describe just how marriage has changed my life. I'm (obviously) happier on a day to day basis. I no longer have to worry about finding the one. I don't have to think about silly things like - oh boy, I better do my hair before I go to the grocery store...what if I meet my future husband! Just little silly things like that...I didn't really know I was in constant pursuit of this type of happiness, but looking back, I certainly was. It's just sooooo nice to have this camaraderie that I have going on in my life. I have a partner to do everything with...every little thing. I don't wonder what my evening has in store, other than...hmmm...i wonder Eddie will make me laugh tonight....I wonder what we'll have for dinner...I wonder if I'll get that almost nightly foot rub tonight... Those are all very comforting thoughts to me. I didn't marry for money, but we're definitely living on love over here. It's the most amazing feeling. I can honestly say that two of my biggest goals in life were to marry for love and to be a mother. My dreams are all coming true! How cool is that?

Ok. I'm gushing. Not everything over here is hunky dory.... There's always work, which means dreaded monsters...er...I mean children. Today when I picked the big kids up from camp, I saw one of the other kids' moms staring at me. She finally nervously walked over to me and asked if I was Sophie's nanny. When I replied yes, she said (nervously laughing): "Oh, I just knew it wasn't true..." Um...what? It seems the girl has told her sweet little girl that I am a witch...and that's not all. The stories Sophie has told of how I treat the children were so "terrifying" that the woman wouldn't even repeat them. Now, at first I wanted to laugh. This grown woman actually believed that I was a witch. But then when I looked over at her petrified little girl with her eyes bugging out of her head, clearly thinking I was going to cast a spell on her mother for confronting me, I was so embarrassed that I didn't know what to do. It was awful! I almost cried for the little girl, as I walked over to her and got down to her level and explained that the girl watches and reads a lot of Harry Potter and she likes to use her imagination and that I am, indeed, a very nice babysitter. I guess this little girl goes home scared for the girl's life every time she sees me picking up the kids. How sad is that? This is just another story of how strangely twisted this little 6 year old that I watch is. Is this normal? I think not.

It didn't end there with the girl today. As I was leaving with the kids, one of the very young camp counselors (I'm always amazed at how they expect 15 year old girls to take control of all these 4-8 yr olds) stopped me (nervously again) and told me the girl was in trouble again for telling another child: "You suck!" Minor, in the book of what the girl does to get in trouble, but still. Just added to pick up time today.

When we got home, the girl knew my feelings were hurt, because I told her in the car on the way home, by all the witch talk and so she was being extra sweet. She made me a bracelet and a cute little angel made out of pipe cleaners, and she asked me lots of questions about the baby...trying to win me over. I really didn't get down on her for all of the stuff I heard at camp pick up because really, I'm just tired. Tired of all of this. And I just have 21 days left of work, so I've resorted to just letting the parents know what's going on and then they can punish or discipline how they deem fit. But I did want to mention that the bracelet the girl gave me was a leather strap (from a child bracelet making kit) and in lipstick she wrote: SEX. I asked what this word meant and she said, "I don't really know what it means, it's just a cool word." Ah, the joys of nanny-hood!

That's all for today, folks. Ed just got home and we're going to go be a happy little family and look out for baby kicks! Hope you're well!

(as usual, I'm not reading through this post, so there may be grammatical errors...)

18w1d

2010-08-03T20:19:00.001-07:00

Yikes!

2010-08-03T19:12:00.001-07:00

...it's been too long! I just checked and the last time I blogged was on July 15th. Sorry about that. Lots going on...

Just to quickly fill you in on what's been going on:
I'm planning my 15 year class reunion. The reunion is this weekend, and when I'm home and have time to be on the computer, I'm pretty much working on reunion stuff. I should mention that I'm planning this reunion BY MYSELF. It was my idea, and that's all fine and good, but GEESH! A little more work than I really need at 5 months pregnant! I'm really excited for the actual reunion though! I'm one of those people who remembers everyone and LOVES to bump into old friends and classmates! I'm constantly reminding people who I am, when I rush them with open arms and they stare blankly at me because it's been 15 years! A reunion is right up my alley!

My brother and his family are in town! It's absolutely wonderful to have them all here, but it, too, takes up a lot of my free time. I've been lucky enough to see them EVERY day, which is great! I miss living close to them - they live in Denver. 2,000 miles away from my niece and nephew is definitely not the greatest. I only get to see them 2-3 times a year. So anyway, that's where I've been!

On the pregnancy front, I'm halfway there! Whoop whoop! On one hand, I can't believe it's half way over. But on the other hand, I can't believe I still have to get through the second half! For a little while there, I was feeling A LOT better. Now feeling great comes and goes. I'll take what I can get, let me tell you, because when I'm feeling lousy there is just no hiding it. I've gotten HORRIBLE headaches, still nauseous from time to time (I was incredibly nauseous for most of today, and gagging and heaving all day), and I canNOT sleep these days. I don't know what the problem is.

The very day that we got the air conditioner (maybe 3 weeks or so ago) I slept like a log for about 2 weeks. And now in the last week or so I've been sleeping pretty soundly for 3-4 hours and then once I wake up to go to the bathroom (which is pretty much unavoidable, no matter how little I drink at night) I cannot get back to sleep. It's SO frustrating! I could cry every morning around 4-5am, when I wake up because I just know I'm not going to easily fall back to sleep. I will say that I usually am woken up when my dear husband gets up to use the bathroom and that REALLY frustrates me. There's obviously nothing he can do about it, but I wonder if I'd be able to sleep through the night if say, Ed slept on the couch????? Poor Ed. I would never ask him to do this, but I AM curious. It's not like I wake up on my own because I have the need to pee...he gets up to pee, and then once I'm awake I realize I REALLY have to pee. (sorry for using the word pee over and over but it just sound better than urinate) Sometimes I whine to him and say: "Just one morning I want to be able to sleep past 5am!" But again - what's he going to do about it? I'm very lucky and my husband is SO great to me and does EVERYTHING under the sun to make this pregnancy easier. If only I could somehow get him to hold his pee longer, he'd be perfect! Oh well.

Warning: this next paragraph is about sex. If you don't feel comfortable reading, skip to the following paragraph.
So, I mentioned in one of my last posts that my sex drive had returned. Well, this still stands true. BUT. And a big giant BUT indeed... Poor Ed has lost interest. I don't know if it's really that he's lost interest necessarily, but he's scared that we're hurting the baby and so he really doesn't want to have sex. At all. It's such a bummer, because the few times that we did have sex, it was unbelievable. And I had heard this...orgasms during pregnancy are intensified (due to increased blood flow) for some, and that seemed true for me. But NOT for Ed. It kind of makes me laugh to think about how he was so preoccupied with jostling the baby around that he couldn't think of anything else (think Knocked Up). So, ultimately, sex turned into something that we were doing just for me. Part of me thinks that's fine, but the other part of me gets fixated on how NOT into it Ed is and then it makes me not want to even go there. Ugh. Kind of a disaster for me because I tend to over analyze our entire relationship...are we going to drift too far apart....are we ever going to recover...how long after the baby's born will it be normal again...and then we'll have an infant IN THE ROOM...how's that going to work out for us? A million questions surrounding sex and our relationship and our future go through my mind. I mentioned this to my doctor and really, all he could say was that I needed to really explain to Ed that sex doesn't bother the baby at all. Well, we've read that, I know that. And Ed knows that, too. He just has a hard time believing it I guess? I don't know. I don't think it's that he's not attracted to me, because he seems to be. He seems to love my body. I guess, actually, as I ponder this more, that he thinks I look so cute. Perhaps he's not that attracted to me sexually? I don't know. I can't really go there, because even if he isn't, what can I do about it? I'm gaining weight (rapidly, I might say) and that's just the way it's going to be for the next few months. I just read on the bump.com that this is a common problem with husbands, for many different reasons. I felt so badly for the women who were posting on the wall about this stuff - some husbands flat out said they weren't attracted to their wives anymore, or that they were turned off completely by the pregnancy. I certainly don't feel like that. I think it's more that Ed is nervous about stirring things up down there. One day I randomly got a text from Ed telling me that it bothered him and he felt so badly that I was having a hard time accepting that I'm gaining so much weight. He told me to try really hard to let it go and that we would work on it togehter after the baby came and that he thinks I'm "drop dead" no matter what. He's really so so sweet to me, so I can't complain. I would like to have sex though. Ha! Ok, moving on...

Let's talk about weight gain, shall we? Even pregnant, I can't let go of the weight thing. I had my OB appt 2 weeks ago and really all that went on there was weight, urine test, doppler (which I do at home, but it's still kind of a big deal and I still smile every time - THIS time we could hear her kicking up a storm for the first time), and some chatting about this and that. Last month (now 6 weeks ago), I had actually lost 4 pounds for the month. That was very exciting to me, as you may remember from my blog post, because I was convinced I was gaining a ton of weight that month. This month, it was quite the opposite. I thought for sure that I had pretty much stayed the same. Looking back, I'm not sure how I rationalized this in my mind, but nonetheless, I did. Turns out I gained TEN POUNDS in 4 weeks. That brought me up to a total of 17 pounds in 18 weeks. Wow. Just wow. How did that happen?!??! Well, I know exactly how it happened! Ice cream 5 out of 7 nights a week, bagels with cream cheese every morning for breakfast, dessert every single time we eat out (which has been a lot lately - birthdays and social gatherings, etc.) and a continued strong aversion to vegetables - especially leafy green vegetables. Thanks goodness for prenatal vitamins!

I was really feeling ok with all this, because I felt cute. I love looking pregnant! Then I saw some pictures of myself from last night. YIKES! It seems I'm gaining weight all over, and it ain't so cute anymore. Hahahaha! I was cute for a couple of weeks. Now I can totally see the weight gain in my neck and chin and face, not to mention my back and arms. Not so fun. But hey - I'm pregnant. I have to just accept it. Sigh... I've always known I wasn't going to be one of those stick figure pregnant people - that just wouldn't make any sense. I was never a stick figure non-pregnant person. I knew I'd spread in all directions. It's just a little hard to watch, that's all. I hope to have only gained the 3-4 pound average for the month at my next appt. I think my appt is only 2 weeks away, so I'll let you know!

That reminds me! IT'S A GIRL! I was so wrong! Hahahahaha! Now, remember: don't tell her when she grows up that I thought she was a boy for about a month. Ok, let me start over. We had our big ultrasound at 18 weeks, so 2 weeks ago. This little baby slept through the entire thing with her butt up in the air and her knees tucked under her belly. It was a bit on the painful side, this ultrasound, and made me incredibly nauseous, to the point that she had to stop and I had to roll over to my side to avoid actually getting sick right there on the table. The poor ultrasound tech said she practically threw her shoulder out trying to move the baby around - and that did not feel great for me either. But NOTHING would shake this baby out of her sound sleep. It wasn't very comforting to me that she slept, because at every previous ultrasound the little baby bug was moving ALL OVER the place. I know they slow down as they grow, but GEESH. I was concerned that something was wrong with her, which is nothing new I suppose. Luckily, she moved her hands some and she sucked her thumb, so that made me feel better. And her heart was beating away (still low though. i think it was 130, which was HUGELY lower than any previous doppler or ultrasound). The very next day at my OB appt, her heart rate was back up to 168, which was another indication that she was indeed just asleep during the ultrasound. When all was said and done the ultrasound tech apologized that we didn't have a more cooperative baby, which led us to believe that she never was able to gather the sex. Then in talking to her a little more, she said she was 90% sure it was a girl. We were shocked because she had been so vague through the whole ultrasound. At first we weren't even going to tell anyone she said it might be a girl, but the more we got to talking to people who had girls - they all were told 85-90%. It's the strangest thing - is it just that they don't want to commit to the sex because they couldn't see the penis but that's all they had to go by? I've heard that there are other things they look for - labia, tubes, ovaries, etc. but this woman didn't mention any of those things until after the ultrasound. She mentioned labia vs. scrotum. So I guess that means something. We're totally going with the girl thing. I'm registering for completely neutral things anyway - we plan on having more kids and don't want to end up with all pink things (like high chairs, strollers, pack n plays, etc. and frankly I'm not crazy about pink everything anyway) and we'll be sure to keep the tags on all the clothes or other pink things we get. It would be nice to know FOR SURE FOR SURE, but like my doctor said - 90% is quite a strong percentage and he knew this ultrasound tech specifically, and said she knew her stuff and wouldn't say 90% if she didn't feel strongly about it.

Moving right along, the ONLY one bummer that we found out during our ultrasound (we are so blessed that this is the ONLY one very minor bummer - and it's not even really a bummer for anyone but me) is that the placenta is on the very front of my uterus. All that really means is that I won't feel the baby for a little while longer than if the placenta were on the back or the top of the uterus. Some people tell me to thank my lucky stars, because otherwise our little miss would be keeping me awake at all hours, and I'd feel every little move. My dr told me I wouldn't get to feel any of the flutters that people talk about early on, and that when I started to feel anything it would be actual kicks. And FINALLY, yesterday, I felt 3 kicks! I was sitting at Good Harbor Beach with my family. It was so fun! It stopped me mid-sentence and everyone was so excited for me! Nothing since then, but that's ok. I know it'll happen. Just impatient to feel even MORE connected with this little baby bug!!!!

That brings me to the next topic...names! We have narrowed down our name choices to 2. For some reason I'm very open with our name choices and people's negative comments (which aren't many, to be honest) don't seem to bother me, or Ed for that matter, in the slightest. We love both names, and that's that. The tough decision is between Lainey and Drew. Ed has always wanted a little girl named Drew, but he also likes Lainey because it stems from the full name Madalena, after his mother. If we go with Drew, she'll likely be Drew Madalena, otherwise we'll name her Madalena (middle name yet to be determined) and call her Lainey. I love love love BOTH names. It might come down to seeing her little face in the hospital to decide. Ed's so easy, and he is happy either way. But I'm totally split down the middle. I love the name Drew, I really do. BUT I like the idea of giving her the choice to go by a less boyish name if she doesn't like having a more masculine name, but there really isn't a long name for Drew. Perfect example is my niece. She is Charley, and no one calls her anything BUT Charley. Ever. However, her real name is Charlisse, and so as she gets older if she feels like a more feminine and less cutesy name - she can go with Charlisse. And same with Lainey - it is kind of cutesy and maybe as she grows up, she'd rather be Madalena. But I reallllly love Drew. It's a great name I think. It just seems like SUCH a big decision! But not a stressful one, a fun one. I guess time will tell what we end up naming our daughter. Feel free to weigh in on your opinion on the names. I like to hear what people have to say about them. So far. Hahahahah! My sister in-law is the WORST. At the very beginning of all of this when I would be throwing names around she'd blurt out: I HATE THAT NAME! I KNEW A WICKED FAT GIRL WITH THAT NAME!!! Who says that?!?!? Ed's sister, that's who. Didn't talk me out of any names that I love though. Oh! I should mention that we were pretty settled on Reese right away. Cute, right? Then we told Ed's parents and they actually couldn't say it. They speak mostly Portuguese and there is no "R" sound in Portuguese. It sounds more like an "H" so she would be Heeeeeese - and a struggle to get that out, actually. It would just stink to have a little girl whose grandparents and aunts and uncles couldn't even say her name. Oh well. We both still love the name Reese, but it's just not for our family I guess.

I'm going to wrap it up here, but I'd like to say that 2 of my blogging friends have gotten some sad news in the last few weeks, regarding pregnancy and I'd just like everyone to send heartwarming vibes their way. TG and G, I'm constantly thinking of you. You both probably have stopped reading my blog, and I totally understand (all the happy happy baby baby talk isn't the most comforting for this time in your life, I know). But if you are reading this, my heart goes out to you both and I hope you're taking good care of yourselves. It totally bums me out that you're not blogging, and so I can't keep tabs on you, but I totally get it. Stay strong if you can, and let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do from way over here.

-Nissa

This and That

2010-07-15T16:11:00.000-07:00

Here I sit at 17 weeks and 3 days pregnant, and I'm so happy to say that these last few weeks have just flown by! I'm really anxious to get to July 20th, so we can *hopefully* find out the sex of the baby, and I expected the weeks and days leading up to it would crawl. They haven't. Thank goodness! I've been feeling great, other than this pesky cold sore that hit me sometime between Friday night and Saturday morning. If you know me IRL, you know that cold sores are my biggest nightmare. Ever. I try not to leave the house, if possible, any time I have a cold sore. And this one? It's DEFINITELY the biggest one I've ever had. I'm pretty sure I say that every time I have one, but this one really is. I hear it's a pregnancy thing - when things like this attack, they REALLY attack. Sucks. But other than that, I feel great - which is a big reason of why this cold sore is bumming me out so badly! I've been on vacation (staying in town, just not working) all week, and today (Thursday!) is the first day I've been to the beach. As it is, I had errands to run (that I could've been running all week, had it not been for the damn cold sore!) first and didn't get to the beach until 3 pm. I did stay until 6pm, all by myself for the last hour and a half, and it was wonderful, but still. I had every intention to be there every sunny day that occurred during my vacation. Boooooooooooo.

I am definitely getting on that beach first thing tomorrow - after my 8:45 acupuncture appt. Whoop!

Have I ever mentioned how much I love acupuncture? Well, it's the most relaxing hour and 30 minutes I experience on a regular basis. My acupuncturist is my brother's best friend, and we grew up together. He's the most amazing guy I think I know (other than my husband, of course). He's such a free and kind spirit. He's helped my entire family with so many health issues- emotional, mental, and physical - any kind of ailment, you name it! Incredibly understanding, open minded, and just a pure willingness to help. Everyone. I love him. If you're ever in need of a good acupuncturist, go see Bill Crosby at The Well in Gloucester. I promise, you won't be disappointed. I went yesterday and I'm going tomorrow. I went all through my IVF cycle, and actually, have been going consistently since I moved back here in 2007. People ask me what I go for - general health and happiness, at this point. But I've gotten help for sleeplessness, general irritability, constipation, allergies, and a lot of other things that aren't coming to mind right now. He helps me with all these things. I think acupuncture is amazing. It helps me keep both of my feet on the ground. Ok, you get the point. I'm super happy to start my day tomorrow with acupuncture and then the beach. The picture above was the view from my chair at 5pm today. Lovely, isn't it?

On another note, our air conditioner/dehumidifier finally arrived yesterday (on the coldest and rainiest day of the summer, but whatevs). My dad helped us hook it up (ok, hooked it up for us), because it's a stand up AC (we have those tall crank windows that don't accept window units), and it was wonderful to get a cooooool night's sleep. I didn't sleep through the night, but I guess this pregnancy is getting me ready for lots of sleepless nights because honestly? I haven't slept through the night in about 14 weeks. Oh well. There are worse things. I will say though, when my husband wakes me up (rather than the strong pull to the bathroom to pee for the 3rd or 4th time through the night) with his snoring or midnight snack attack, I could strangle him. And he knows it. He laughs about it, but I think I sit straight up and give him a hard and cold stare. I'm sure it's a sight! I wonder if I'll ever have another full night of sleep. What a strange thought - maybe I won't.

Just in case anyone is wondering, my buddha belly is rather large today. I thought I'd share a photo of myself after I threw on my pjs when I got home from the beach today...

SO much going on!

2010-07-01T15:40:00.000-07:00

What I haven't mentioned is what's going on with my job... UGH! My job. I hate my job. What was keeping me going all this time, was the idea that I'd never have to worry about childcare. My bosses had both agreed (something we discussed way back before we even started trying last year) that it would be absolutely wonderful if I would bring my child(ren) to work with me.

As it is, I am a nanny for 3 kids (present ages 6, almost 5, and 14 months). In the fall both big kids will be in school most of the day, so it'll just be the little guy and my little one (after December). This job has been pure hell.

I have been a nanny for over 14 years, and I have loved almost every moment of it. I have had the pleasure of working with some WONDERFUL families, children and parents alike. In fact, I've liked the children more than the parents in almost all of my nannying situations. I was blessed to find the perfect family back when I was 19. I lived with them for 6 years and then continued to take care of the children and live out for the next 2 years. It was amazing. The parents, the kids. Everything. I'm still in touch with the whole family and see them once or twice a year (they still live in Colorado, and now I'm back in Massachusetts). Since that Boulder family, I've worked with 4 or 5 different families - a lot great kids with some NIGHTMARE parents (ok, mothers). I guess I got spoiled right off the bat, and so it was tough to ever find that perfect fit again.

And then I met this family that I work with now... They're great... The parents are both incredible. They're both doctors, and they're the kindest, most down to earth people I've ever met. The mother is from Ireland and the father from Detroit. Love. Them. Love my schedule. Love my pay. Love it all...almost.

The kids on the other hand, are a completely different story. They're adorable freckled little munchkins with gigantic blue eyes and you just want to eat them up as soon as you see them. And then. They speak. They scream at me how much they hate me, they leave me notes saying how much they hate me. They turn into devils at the very sight of me (in front of the parents or not). I should mention that the baby is a joy - I was working with the 2 big kids before Elijah was ever born, and so baby boy loves me...doesn't know life without me. I've been working with these kids for almost 2 years. In 2 years, these kids have only gotten worse. I feel so defeated. I have tried EVERYTHING. I mean EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter... I can do everything they want (although I'm not one to drop the disciplining of rude children just to win them over, so there's always that problem in their eyes) all day long, and as soon as one of the parents show up they go on and on about how dreadful the day was and how I didn't let them do anything they wanted, etc. They flat out lie. All. The. Time. The parents really do try with them, but they're total softies. They think they're not, but they are. Here's a perfect example of how frustrating my daily grind is: One day, just last week, both big kids were HORRENDOUS. By horrendous I mean throwing screaming and crying and kicking on the floor fits (not 2 year olds - 5 and 6 year olds!) because I wouldn't let them watch a 3 hour Harry Potter movie in the middle of a beautiful day. Keep in mind that I have never once let the children watch tv. Ever. It's part of how I nanny - I just don't do tv, and the parents totally agree. On a rainy day we may go to a special movie, but I'm all about crafts, baking, reading, etc. or most importantly playing outside. So anyway, the mother called to check in (which she NEVER does, but for some reason the gods were watching, and I got to show their mother just what I deal with) and I explained what was going on... She was HORRIFIED. Completely horrified. She (I'll just keep saying "she" because I don't want to use her name) insisted that both kids be sent to their rooms until she got home, which was 4 hours away. Sounds insane, I know. BUT. These kids do all but hang me up on the ceiling fan and I don't always feel at liberty to do things like this, so I thought it may teach them a lesson. They stayed up there for about an hour and I did bring them up their usual 3 o'clock snacks (because starving them wasn't really on the plan that day). They were not the least bit phased by the first 2 hours. Seriously. They were happily playing separately in their rooms. Mom called again to check and said: (ok, this is when I wanted to quit on the spot) "I'm concerned that the kids aren't getting any exercise today. I'm going to come home early, in about 20 minutes, and take them on a bike ride to the park." Um. Ok. So....all that big story about you guys are going to stay in your rooms for the next 4 hours, and then you'll come down for dinner and go to bed straight away! is out the window? Because you're worried your 5 and 6 year old won't get enough exercise today? So not only did they have a lovely bike ride to the park with mom, DAD even left work early so he could join the family at the park. Best day of their lives, as far as the kids were concerned. I just can't win.

I add absolutely nothing to these kids' lives. I'm being completely wasted on a family where I am not enriching anyone or anything. It totally sucks. I've NEVER cried at work (because of the kids) until I started working with these kids. I've even cried in front of them. To them, pleading with them to lighten up on me. Who does that? I certainly never have. And I'd like to mention that this was happening before I was pregnant, so it's not the pregnancy hormones. I also want to point out that Mom has also cried in front of and to her children about the same things. People! This doesn't happen. 5 and 6 year olds DO NOT MAKE THEIR PARENTS AND NANNIES CRY. Why is this acceptable in their family, and why can't I make them see how fucked up this is? I've tried people. I've sat down with both parents. We've all gone to dinner, out for drinks. We've talked at length. We've implemented sticker charts, different reward systems, we've revoked privileges, we've canceled play dates, exciting outings, etc. I've gone on one-on-one "dates" with each child, partaking in their most favorite activities just to try to bond (on my days off, I might add). I am at a complete loss.

The good news? Well, the good news is actually terrible news, that I've come to love. About a month and a half ago, out of the blue, Mom blurted out: Nissa, I've quit my job and decided to be a stay at home mom. Um. Excuse me? Come again? Here I was, 3 months pregnant and losing my job. I instantly realized just how lucky this family is to be about to have one parent home with them full time - if any family needs this, they're it. She apologized up and down and went on about amazing references and how I'm the best of the best and I'll be fine blah blah blah. All I kept thinking was how when I would be done (she gave me 3 months notice), I would be almost 6 months pregnant, a terrible time to look for a job. I didn't text my husband, I didn't call him. I waited until he got home from work, was all showered and was sitting down. I knew Ed was going to be completely stressed out over this. And he was. He is. I've cried, I've been mad, I've been...elated, actually. The kids have gotten progressively worse - now they practically sing ding-dong-the-witch-is-dead, knowing that my days are numbered. I'm going to miss Mom, Dad, and Baby Boy. How terrible is it that I've been working with 2 children that are just about my favorite ages and I'm not going to miss them. I really am so spent. So burnt out. So. Tired. And geez... this is supposed to be a nice and enjoyable time in my life...I'm pregnant with my first child, for crying out loud. Give me a break! Well, a break is what I'm getting, come the end of August.

I've gone and looked at a local preschool that really inspired me to take the one last class I need to teach there. Have I actually taken the steps to sign up for the class? No. But I'm seriously considering it.

Then, yesterday, I had a brilliant idea! Maybe I'll go back to school, full time, and finish my degree! I (so fucking stupidly!) stopped going to the University of Colorado with one (maybe 2) semester left FOR A BOY. A stupid boy - one that was NEVER good enough and NOTHING compared to my wonderful husband - asked me to take over his business (you know - work my ass off, so he gets all the $) and it was more than a full time job. That was 4 years ago. Ugh. I'm done with work in August, and my little Baby Bug is due on December 20th. I could potentially squeeze in an entire semester before I even bring the baby home. It's obviously a little risky - I could deliver early, get put on bed rest, etc. So should I do it? Maybe I should try online classes the first semester? I'm not sure. I think we could supplement my income with financial aid (we already owe so much between us - what's a few more thousand?) and then I could actually get a REAL JOB at the end of it all. I've ordered my transcripts from CU, put in a call to Salem State. We'll see. My brother is SO unbelievably excited. Well... Hahaha. It was over text, but I just know he is. I once got a text from my brother (maybe a year or so ago) saying that his life destiny was to see that I finished my degree. Well, Jesse Boy, it might be that time. It's my greatest failure and shame in life, and I think I'd be SO unbelievably happy and proud to finally have my degree. Yay. We'll see though. No promises yet.

So... There you have it. The work thing SUCKS in a whole lot of ways. BUT. It's almost over. That was actually one of the things that sucked, because now I'll have to figure out some kind of childcare, but hey... that's what people do, right? We can do that, too. But seriously. To justify daycare, I'll need to be making more money. As it is now, half my pay would go to daycare. Well, I guess we could justify that but it would just seem so crazy to leave home to take care of someone else's kids, and drop mine off at daycare on the way. Time will tell.

On the pregnancy front, things are great. I feel Ok. Not great all the time, but great a lot of the time and that's awesome, if you ask me. I still get waves of nausea and gag easily and frequently throughout the day, but I'm not actually throwing. Bonus. I can no longer hide that I'm pregnant... This weekend when Ed and I went to fiesta, a woman put out her cigarette when she saw I had a baby in my belly (thank you, nice woman), some old friends that didn't know I was pregnant took one look at me and squealed with delight and hugged me, and I also got one friend who said: "Wow! You've really popped in the last week!" Some of it, I know for sure, is all the bagels still hanging on, but I do look pregnant - especially in sun dresses. My outfit of choice these days (it's been SO hot here!).

Eating has gotten a little better. I have been able to eat things like fresh mozzarella with avocado and balsamic for dinner, rather than just a bagel or pasta. I still can't add the tomatoes into the mix or any other veggies yet - but it's progress. Baby steps. Fruit has been hitting the spot, too. I'm very thankful for that. I've been loving watermelon, mangoes, and very hard, very cold apples. Everything has to be cold, I might add. I've NEVER put avocados in the fridge - and I have always bought avocados and eaten them almost daily. They always stay out and I eat them at room temp. But now they go right in the fridge with everything else. Everything must be COLD COLD COLD. Pregnancy is so funny like that. The strangest things go on. Oh! I had been really wanting a delicious cold and crisp caesar salad for weeks, but everyone warned me against it (because of the raw egg some said, and the anchovies others said). But Saturday night we went out with friends and I had some of Melissa's. It was SO good, I almost ate it all! I kept scooping her salad onto my plate, as if I had no control over myself. She has 2 little ones and totally understood how I was feeling and encouraged me to go for it. We're going out for a friend's birthday tomorrow night, and I can't stop thinking about ordering a giant caesar salad! Yummmmmm! A cold caesar salad, I might add.

Today I decided to try my doppler - I mentioned before that I had a hard time being able to tell the difference between my heartbeat and the baby's and that the doppler never read over 130 or something like that - and the baby's heartbeat has always been between 156-177 at any appt I've been to. I had kind of given up on the doppler. Until today. Whoop whoop! When I go to bed at night, I lie flat on my back and gently run my hand over my stomach, and I'm telling you - I can actually feel my uterus sticking out. It's about half way between my belly button and my pelvic bone, maybe a smidge higher. And it's definitely there - harder than the rest, kind of the shape of a grapefruit, maybe a little more oval than round. Crazy, right? I even went so crazy as to question whether I could feel the baby's heart beating with my hand or if my own pulse was so strong that I was mistaken. I'm sure anyone would say I'm crazy, but I'm telling you. I could feel the rapid little heartbeat THROUGH my stomach. Ed thinks I"m crazy. Maybe I am. Hahaha. But back to the doppler! Today I pulled out the doppler and got onto my bed so I could find my uterus. Sure enough, the doppler picked up the baby's heartbeat (166 bpm) with no trouble at all, loud as can be, clear as can be, without even pressing down at all. And people. EXACTLY where I thought I felt the baby the other night. Does it confirm that I was actually feeling the baby? Absolutely not. Does it make me feel less crazy and kind of smile inside knowing that I think I felt my little Baby Bug? Absofrigginlutely!

Two and half more weeks until we find out that Baby Bug is a boy! Jk. Maybe he's a girl. Hahaha. I'm going to feel so so badly if I'm carrying and rubbing a baby girl - please don't tell her when she grows up that I thought she was a boy for a month. ;-)

So yes, I may be losing my job, but life is so so good.

And I should just take a moment to mention how amazing my husband is. (this may be TMI, but...) Sex drive is back, folks. Whoop! And my husband stuck it out (well, obviously. Hahaha. if he hadn't we'd be in big trouble). But seriously, it had been MONTHS upon MONTHS. In my defense, you really can't have sex during a lot of the IVF process. And frankly, I just didn't feel like it. I actually was a little concerned that I would never feel like it again. But. I was wrong.

Life. Is. Good.

Hope yours is, too!

Who knew...

2010-06-23T17:01:00.000-07:00

...you could stuff your face with carbs, eat NOTHING green and STILL lose 4 pounds??? Well, I suppose the fact that I lost half of those carbs just as quickly as I ate them helped. But still. Yay! I was SO worried that the doctor would scold me, but nope... He told me to stop worrying about gaining weight and that if I kept at this rate of weight gain (which is only 3 pounds since I actually got pregnant), I'd gain a total of about 25-30 pounds. Not bad. So that's my goal, 25-30 pounds. But tonight, Ed and I are heading down to FIESTA for a nice big Italian sausage with peppers and onions. And maybe even some fried dough. Fiesta is a BIG Italian festival here in our town, and I've never been so excited for a sausage in all my life! I'm sure plenty of Fiesta food will be eaten between now and Sunday, when fiesta ends. I'm also sure the heartburn will kick in just as I'm about to go to bed, but that won't keep me away.

The appt yesterday went well in all areas, not just the weight. The baby's heartbeat has slowed down some and was only 156 (which is completely normal and nothing to worry about). It's really right smack in the middle of normal, so any wives tales about the heartbeat being low and being a boy or being high and being a girl go out the window. Which is fine. I know it's a boy. Hahahahaha! Jk. I don't KNOW. I think I know though. I'm going to add a picture of myself that I took for my friend in Colorado. Here I am, at 14 weeks and 2 days:

14 Weeks and Counting!

2010-06-21T18:09:00.001-07:00

So first I'd like to mention that my First Screening tests last week went well. They said the fluid behind the baby's neck (which if above a certain number is a sign of - not definitive, by any means - DS) was within the normal range. The ultrasound tech said we were at the very high end of the normal range, but I feel that was an unnecessary comment. Within normal is normal, right? I haven't heard anything about the blood tests that go with the First Screening tests, but that's because either a) they're waiting to tell me tomorrow at my OB appt or b) everything is fine. I'm pushing for the ladder (obviously).

I must say, the ultrasound last week was AMAZING! Absolutely amazing! Again - I'm so sorry, my dear husband, that I didn't have you come with me. Not that Ed minded staying home, since Portugal was playing in the World Cup, but still. I'd like to think he'd have chosen the most wonderful and detailed ultrasound of our little bambino over a soccer game. I certainly won't ask Ed what he would have chosen given the choice - for fear of the answer. Haha! I think he most certainly feels a little disconnected from this pregnancy, because everything that has happened so far is just what I tell him - can't see or feel anything himself, so I guess it makes sense. Back to the ultrasound... I was able to see arms and legs and a VERY active baby in there. The ultrasound tech was happy to see the baby moving so much, however, the little critter made her job very hard. Fine by me because that turned it into a 45 minute ultrasound. And then, wouldn't you know it, the baby stopped moving just when she was SO close to having him/her in the perfect position for the most important measurement of the ultrasound. So then she started jabbing my belly with the ultrasound probe to get the baby to move. I had to wiggle around and finally walk around a little to shake him up. We finally got the baby just right. Both ultrasound techs tried SO hard to find out the sex of the baby, too. Hahahaha! Here I was thinking I was going to be able to wait to find out and as soon as she asked if I'd like to know if she could tell, I blurted out: "YES!" I totally got my hopes up that I was going to be able to leave with a big giant secret to tell Ed, but it was too early. The baby was in the perfect position to be able to tell (complete spread eagle), but the sex organs weren't visible yet. Some may say that's indicative of it being a girl, but neither tech mentioned that. I guess we'll wait 4 more weeks to find out. So again, fantastic ultrasound. Got some great pics! I should post one, eh? I'll do that before I log off. Oh! I should mention that the baby's heart rate was 177 last week! That's still pretty high (normal range is 120-180 at this stage), but the ultrasound tech thought it could've been because he/she was SO active during that particular ultrasound.

Tomorrow I finally get to meet my doctor! Wooooooohooooooooo! I've heard GREAT things about this man, and I'm really hoping I like him as much as the few friends I know that have had him. I mean, after all, this man is going to be elbow deep for the next 5 1/2 months - I should really like him, right? I'm a little bit nervous about what this doctor might say about my weight gain. Ugh. I'm actually dreading what he might say about the unbelievable amount of pudge I have growing around the middle. For a minute I thought it was pretty hard and a baby bump. But now it's soft and it's totally a bagel bump. Oh boy. I have GOT to get a grip on this eating healthy and exercising thing.

I'd also like to point out that I'm convinced this baby growing inside me is a boy! I feel so strongly about it, that I could actually BUY boy things. But I won't. I'll wait. I know it's a 50/50 chance that I'm right. Or wrong. So, I'll wait. I get LOTS of girl guesses, but I'm pretty sure that is because of the weight I'm gaining. People always say the girls take the "pretty" out of you and you kind of gain weight all over. The boys are supposedly more of a basketball type of weight gain. Well, folks... I've just been eating LOADS of carbs. In my defense, they're all I've been able to stomach for the past few weeks. I'm starting to feel better and my energy is starting to come back, so hopefully my eating will get a little (ok, a lot) better soon. Yikes! Ok. Moving on... I'm also looking forward to seeing what the baby's heartbeat is tomorrow. I think I may have mentioned that I bought a Sonoline B fetal doppler so that I could hear the baby's heartbeat whenever I wanted... Well, it has never gotten a reading of more than 137. So if the baby's heart rate is higher than that tomorrow I'm probably going to lose the faith I have in this thing. Maybe as I get further along it'll get more accurate. We'll see.

Wish me luck tomorrow!

Goodbye, First Trimester!

2010-06-13T16:52:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how it happened, but we made it through the first trimester - and it wasn't nearly as long of a wait as I had expected! Incredibly thankful!

I'm not thrilled to report that I've been sicker these last few days than I have all along. I thought things were supposed to start winding down in the nausea department now, but apparently I'm holding out a little longer.

I've been incredibly tired, and definitely peeing a lot. Today a little less, which (hopefully) means I'm right on target and my uterus is moving up into the (much) bigger cavity of my stomach. Yay for less peeing!!!

I feel like Ed's getting annoyed with my lack of energy and motivation to do anything (like cooking or cleaning), although he swears he isn't. I hate to say it, but he'll just have to deal until I'm feeling better. I really do enjoy being a good little wifey and making all his meals, but I just can NOT get past the smells that come about when cooking and I have absolutely no energy to be like I usually am - before I got pregnant, I was up early enough to make Ed a nice big healthy breakfast, made sure his lunch was all ready to throw in his lunch box and in the evening I made sure we had a well balanced, healthy meal. Now? Not so much. I literally haven't cooked since I think I was 5 weeks pregnant. Not a single thing. This heightened sense of smell and quite strong gag reflex is amazing and very controlling. I thought for sure I was going to wake up last Monday (at 12 weeks) and feel better - trouble was, I did. And then I rushed myself off to the ER because I thought something was wrong. Hahahaha! Oh well. At least now I'm throwing up enough to KNOW that I'm pregnant.

I have an ultrasound this week and to be honest, I have NO idea what to expect. It's the NTS, which is a scan for measurements that can detect signs of down's syndrome. I'm not particularly worried or concerned that this baby might have DS, but the test is covered by our insurance, and the nurse suggested we just do it - better to be prepared, I suppose, even though we wouldn't take any different measures throughout the pregnancy if anything shows up for DS. Perhaps just mental preparation and research.

Still waiting for growing bbs. It's something I've been looking forward to my entire life...big bbs during pregnancy. In general, I don't mind being small chested. That being said, it's going to be nice to at least fill a B cup when the time comes. And I'm SURE it will come. Right? If not during pregnancy, certainly when I'm breastfeeding. Right? Watch...I'll turn in to the rare case where I remain an A cup. My ass will be the size of Cleveland, my belly ALREADY looks like I'm 6 months along, and I'll be swimming in my A cup. That'll be so unfair! But really - there are worse things, I suppose.

I already bought my first jar of Burt's Bees Thoroughly Therapeutic Body Butter, because I heard it's the best for stretch marks. I'm petrified of stretch marks! I know people say it's a badge of honor, yadda yadda yadda, but I do NOT want to look like this:

I think that's all I have to update with on the pregnancy front. I actually have a lot to update you all on other things, but right now I'm just so tired. I'm not sure how it got to be after 8pm already, but I have to get up super early tomorrow (and since I haven't been sleeping well AT ALL, I better get a head start!).

I hope everyone's doing well. Twelve Grapes, if you're out there, I'm thinking of you and anxiously awaiting your blog post. Hope everythings ok!!

-Nissa

Ok, so maybe I'm a little crazy. Whatevs.

2010-05-31T12:44:00.000-07:00

I should have updated last week....

Last Monday, on the day I hit 10 weeks, I had my first official OB appointment. I met with a nurse and was there for over 2 hours. It was an appointment jam packed with a LOT of information - all the dos and don'ts of pregnancy, what you can and can't eat, etc. I had heard most of the information at some point or another, but still a very helpful appointment. The two things that surprised me were 1) no bean sprouts or alfalfa sprouts (apparently the bacteria called Listeria lives and hides deep inside the sprout) and 2) I can only eat tuna fish salad 2-3 times a month. The book I have says you can have up to 12 oz of canned tuna a week (and I was having just about that). Oh well.

I had told Ed he didn't need to go with me to the appt., because it was just a bunch of paperwork and information. Little did I know, I was going to actually hear the baby's heartbeat! Yikes! It was very exciting, but I wish Ed had been there to hear it, too. The next ultrasound isn't supposed to be until 18 weeks, which is still 7 weeks away. I guess he'll just have to be patient.

At the end of my appointment the nurse handed me my slip for blood work and I headed over to the lab. While I was sitting in the waiting room, a nurse came out with this orange drink and told me I was to drink it and wait an hour and then have my blood drawn. Um...what? Isn't this glucose test given about half way through pregnancy? Then WHY on earth am I having it at 10 weeks???? I called over to my dr's office (it's in a different building and I couldn't leave while waiting for the glucose test), and the woman on the phone told me they give early glucose tests for 1 of 2 reasons: 1) you have previously had diabetes (nope) or 2) your BMI is rather high. Oh. Oh. Ok. Well, yes. That would be it. People? I had a glucose test because I'm SO FAT! Unbelievable! I actually was only slightly embarrassed and chuckled and got off the phone. And to be honest, I wasn't at all concerned that I might have gestational diabetes. I was certain I didn't, because I've always been a little on the plump side, AND I just finished 2 almost back to back cycles of IVF (avg weight gain is 10 lbs per cycle). I was still happy to hear the news that my glucose test came back absolutely fine (107) and there's nothing to worry about there.

Here's where the crazy comes in...

We had a very fun weekend - we had 2 birthday parties and a wedding on Saturday, then the Portuguese Crowning, and another birthday party on Sunday. About half way through the wedding, I realized I wasn't feeling sick. Like at all. I've been sick (to the point of throwing up) for about 4 weeks), all day, every day. To not be sick was alarming to me. Throughout this pregnancy I have had an overwhelming sense of extreme hunger. I can eat a big meal and about an hour or so later, my stomach is growling. Well, this wasn't happening at the wedding, and I hadn't even eaten much. I was really getting nervous. I woke up Sunday morning and STILL no nausea. I mentioned it to Ed the night before and he, too, was nervous. I tried to shake it off, but I just couldn't. In my mind, I knew something wasn't right. It was way too soon to stop being sick, so it had to mean something was wrong with the baby. All my fears were coming true. I cried my way through church, and actually had to excuse myself from some of the goings on yesterday, just so I could get it together. I thought of every possible way I had jinxed this pregnancy, and tried to come up with anything that may have put my baby at risk. It was a horrible day. And then again this morning, NO NAUSEA. Ugh.

I went to the ER at 7:30 this morning and was smuggled into a hustling and bustling scene straight off a nighttime drama that takes place in an emergency room (I swear, there were people flopping around and crying and running around - it was awful!) by my boss (who happens to be an ER doctor). My oh-so-kind-boss threw me in a room and threw a bottle of gel at me and told me to squirt it on my belly and she started the ultrasound. She thought she saw a heartbeat and a moving baby but couldn't be sure. The ultrasound machine was rather ancient, so it really didn't put my mind at ease. At all. I couldn't make anything out on the screen either. Nightmare!

So there we went, running (literally so she could get back and save people's lives asap!) down the halls and she begged the not-so-thrilled ultrasound tech to slap an ultrasound on my belly - low and behold, a bouncing baby with a quick heartbeat! Thank you, God! Such a difference in what I saw 3 weeks ago - what were arm buds last time were long and jointed waving arms and real hands and fingers. So cute! Apparently, I'm just done with "morning" (more like around the clock) sickness! Can I get a whoop whoop!??!?!? So now I will march forward in this pregnancy and try my hardest to just trust that everything is ok, until our next appt (which is in 3 weeks). I'm strongly considering renting a doppler. I think it'll really just put our minds at ease, if we can hear our little baby's heartbeat whenever we want. And they're really reasonably priced. I think you can get one for less than $50 a month.

So. A great weekend almost turned into a terrible weekend. I'm so so thankful that this baby is alive and kickin'! I was beyond terrified. Honestly. And poor Ed! He was beside himself! What a relief!!!

Hope everyone had a fantastic long weekend!

Things are a changin'

2010-05-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

Here we are, 9 weeks in and guess what? My dear husband is realizing the big changes that are coming. Ed does NOT do well with change - any kind of change, in fact. With this baby (other than the normal: "Holy shit! our life is about to change - we can't just go out to dinner when we want, we can't zip off wherever, whenever!" types of changes), comes some big changes for us. We are going to have to move, for starters. We're also going to need to get rid of my tiny 2 door car, for something much bigger. Perhaps, as I think I've mentioned before, a dreaded minivan no less. So change is on it's way and Ed almost shrunk way into his dark space. But I think I caught him on his way in, and was able to drag him back out. I, myself, get excited for change, so I can't really relate. But I've seen this happen to Ed with other small changes, and this weekend wasn't pretty.

Ed and I get along really really well... We laugh extra hard at each other's jokes, we find each other smart and interesting and we just enjoy being together. This weekend, I could tell my husband wanted to strangle me. For whatever reason, I was driving him crazy. I can appreciate this, because I get like that, too. I go through days when everything someone says and does makes my skin crawl and I just want to be alone. I sensed this was happening with Ed, so I tried to be scarce over the weekend. Some of the time, we had to be together because, well...we live together. But also, we had plans to visit his parents and some other things like that. But Sunday morning I got up early and went out for a long walk, went and spent time at my girlfriend's house and played with her kids for a couple of hours. And then I planned just to be home when Ed was out running errands (Ed has taken over the grocery shopping! How cool is that?!?!?). I knew he wouldn't be quite ready to talk about it, as he takes a while to realize what's at the bottom of his bad moods sometimes, so I left him alone for the weekend.

Just as suspected, Monday morning Ed had a big epiphany that he was starting to panic about all the changes happening. We're hoping to move in the fall, but I've started looking now. I just want to know what's out there, and I don't want to be scrambling and have to settle on something we don't love. I know it's making Ed a little nervous... Rightly so, because I found a place I thought we HAD TO HAVE (the very first place I looked at) and it was a little out of our price range. But whatevs. I'm easy and was easily talked down from that ledge.

I'm assuming all this panic and anxiety that Ed is experiencing is normal. I think it also has a lot to do with the fact that Ed handles all of our finances. If I knew what was going on with our finances and how they are about to change, I'd probably be in a little bit of a tizzy myself. But, I so graciously handed over that responsibility 100% because I am TERRIBLE in that area. I'd rather get a new haircut than pay the cable bill, and always find a way to justify it somehow.

Anywhoooo, Ed has realized why he's been so irritable and last night was MUCH better. We were back to our happy-little-couple selves. Thank GOOOOOODNESS!

I am a Happy Girl!

2010-05-15T12:25:00.000-07:00

We had our big ultrasound yesterday (8w4d) and we finally saw a baby! It was SO cute! Little tiny arms and legs (arm buds, they call them but they looked like real arms and legs - just really short). We could see the whole shape of the body and head and the heartbeat and everything! SO so exciting! I'm officially throwing up, which makes me happy. Instead of just walking around nauseous (just realized I've been spelling this word wrong for a while!) all day every day, I'm able to pick myself up and move on with my day feeling a whole heck of a lot better for a few hours. The thing is, the nausea comes at any time throughout the day, and I'm only able to actually get sick when it's really early in the morning. Strange. But I feel VERY pregnant, and so for that I am so so grateful. I've always been a big believer in the whole theory that the sicker you are, the more stable the pregnancy. I know plenty of people who have had plenty of healthy babies without feeling the slightest bit nauseous, but still... I feel like this baby and I are doing really well.

I also think I look pregnant. I kind of always had a pregnant-looking-belly, but I was always a lot more careful to suck it in. Now? Not so much. Ed keeps thinking I'm sticking my stomach out. Hahahahahaha! I'm really not. I would never! That just seems silly. But I don't mind wearing shirts that may accentuate the belly. And Destination Maternity was having a sale - cute tops!

I went out with my girlfriends this past week, and it seems the news has spread like wild fire. It was fun to get lots of big eyes and smiles and congratulatory whispers. Fun fun fun!

I hope I didn't lose any readers by not blogging often enough! Is anyone out there?????

You must see this video!

2010-05-07T17:19:00.000-07:00

Life and Love in the Petri Dish: "What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo."

I know there's a way to include the actual video in my post, but I can't figure it out at all. Go to the above blog and watch the video. Very moving. I wish I had done more for Infertility Awareness Week last week. Totally dropped the ball there.

Hurray for singletons!

2010-05-01T08:37:00.001-07:00

We saw our one healthy baby's heart beating (114bpm!) yesterday! It was amazing! I'm so relieved to know that we're only having one baby... I do feel the sadness in losing one of the embryos, however. Like I mentioned, I was preoccupied with the idea of having twins and just how it would turn our world upside down. I'm very relieved. Would've been happy either way, but there is a lot less worry with just the one baby - who will rock our world plenty, I'm sure!

Yay! I mean...er...Ugh!

2010-04-29T06:39:00.000-07:00

So I've been wanting to feel something. I definitely feel something. It's the strangest thing. I'm not throwing up - but I can't decide if I want to eat everything in sight or nothing at all. It seems I'm queasy all the time...in waves. I'm torn between wanting to eat to make myself feel better or if I want to stay away from food all together to avoid being sick. It's seriously so strange! And my 2 favorite foods? I can't eat them at all! I'm an ice cream girl, through and through. Always have been. But now that I'm pregnant? Can't even eat it. How weird is that? I was sort of looking forward to being able to eat ice cream with a little less guilt. Oh well. Hahaha! Maybe it'll spare me from gaining 70 pounds. And asparagus! That's a staple around here - we seriously eat asparagus 3 or 4 times a week - Ed and I both love it! But Monday night I managed to put 2 measly spears on my plate but couldn't even bring myself to take one bite! I'm baffled! But again, I definitely wanted to feel something.

And tomorrow????? The ultrasound!!!!!!!!! Whoop! 8am!

Truckin' along

2010-04-26T16:50:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't updated.... I don't really know what to say. I'm still quite pregnant, so the tests say. My last BETA was 6731, and that was at 5 wks. Today I'm 6 weeks pregnant (whoop!), and the nausea started in over the weekend. I'm welcoming it so far, but may regret that later. It's just so strange walking around and feeling normal. I want to feel something... It's as if the pregnancy is more stable if I'm sick. I haven't actually gotten sick, but for 3 days in a row I definitely thought I might be running to lose my lunch. It's the strangest feeling - it's like: IF I DON'T SHOVE THE NEAREST PIECE OF BREAD IN MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO THROW UP FOR SURE! But then today, only a tiny bit of nausea. I actually napped through the time that I usually start feeling ill (around 2pm). I woke up from a 3 hr nap at 4pm, so maybe I missed the window???? I don't know. But we DO have our ultrasound appt for this Friday, and we'll (fingers crossed!) hear the heartbeat(s)!!! I say fingers crossed only because sometimes it's too early to hear the heartbeat yet, but I'll be 2 days shy of 7 weeks. I hope this week FLIES byyyyyyyyyyyy. I hope I feel a little less worried once we hear the heartbeat. My poor Eddie, bless his little heart. He thought I was going on Friday by myself. I guess I assumed he knew he'd be going with me to hear the heartbeat, but he didn't. I mentioned it yesterday and he was surprised. I can't imagine him NOT going...sad. And luckily, our appt is at 8am! I hate when appts are late in the day because it takes sooooooooo long to get the day over with. And this time I won't have to wait all day for a phone call w/results. Whoop! I wonder if it'll be my favorite sonographer, Kathleen, who did all my ultrasounds to count my follicles. At the embryo transfer when she left she said. "I hope I see you two for a different reason in 6 weeks!" The bummer would be getting the other gal... She's fine, but she's nowhere near as thorough at pointing everything out on the screen. Oh, I'm just so excited I could squeeeeeeel! I have to work the rest of the week, so it should go by quickly.

I'm still thinking of twins a lot, but now I'm more nervous about actually having twins than excited. Don't get me wrong - we'd be happy either way. But I think I'd have to quit my job when the babies came - how can I possibly take TWO newborns to work when I have 3 other kids (ages will be 1.5, 5, 7)? I just can't imagine. I know people do it all the time when they have 3 kids themselves and then have twins, but YIKES! It's be hairy. I'm already thinking I might need a mini van (really? ugh! hopefully I can find an affordable SUV that is good on gas, but mini vans are much more affordable and lots better on gas, generally speaking) if we have just one baby (because 1 baby makes 4 and that is too cramped for any of our cars). If we have 2, everything will just be that much crazier. Fun, yes. But insane! I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. To be honest, I think it's just one baby. Everyone else, on the other hand, thinks 2. I get it from strangers. My boss is convinced, my closest friends, my doctor. Everyone. But I'm not. Part of it is that my whole life I've wished for twins and I just think that would be way too easy, if it really happened. I have to say - I thought the psychic that I saw at a group party late last year said I would be having twin girls. I thought she was absolutely insane, for many reasons (amongst them being that she wore sunglasses with snakes wrapped around the lenses and made me shake some kind of sticks while she chanted), but 2 of my friends readings have come absolutely true. Hmmmmmmmm.

So Friday? HURRY UP AND GET HERE!!! I'll try to be better about blogging this week, but I'll DEFINITELY blog Friday. Promise!

Have a great week - I know I will!

-Nissa (I'm not proofing - dinner's on the stove and calling my name)

By the way...

2010-04-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

I have some fertility medication that has been unopened and will go unused. Seems like such a waste, considering how many people don't have these meds covered by insurance. Any ideas?

Being Pregnant

2010-04-18T16:50:00.000-07:00

This whole being pregnant things is so very strange! I'm super excited and I absolutely love that I'm pregnant, don't get me wrong. But (I'm assuming because it's so early) I don't feel pregnant. It's such an odd feeling, walking around, feeling completely normal and being pregnant. It's like I just want to whisper to strangers passing by: "Psssst....I'm pregnant!!!!" And I practically have, truth be told. I know it's against all the when-to-tell opinions of most people, but Ed and I just are too excited to contain ourselves. If something bad were to happen with this pregnancy (and it won't, God willing!), we would just have to be comfortable letting people know, just as we are comfortable letting people know we're having a baby. I'm sure if the losses were to add up, we too would be leery of letting people in our news. But for now, we'll count ourselves lucky and let the world be excited with us!

I'm not going to lie... I'm incredibly nervous and want to protect this pregnancy like you wouldn't believe! I called the fertility center I don't know how many times last week, concerned about this feeling or that feeling. I had regular period cramps last week and it was FREAKING me out! I thought I was off the hook for period type things, but it seems cramps are normal. The nurse on the phone said that as long as they're just regular cramps, and they're not stabbing pains and there's no bleeding then it's totally normal. Apparently, my uterus is already starting to grow and there's also a chance that regular cramps could come every month right around my regular time of the month. Strange, huh? I thought so, too. I'm also experiencing the lovely feeling of being constipated, which apparently comes along with being pregnant. Let's not forget that I'm still taking a giant progesterone shot and 2 estrace pills a day - so I'm still experiencing all those lovely side effects - and it's hard to tell which is a shot side effect and which is a pregnancy symptom. They're quite similar, in fact. The thing that was keeping me from having tummy trouble (better than continuously saying constipation or just as silly?) was eating Raisin Bran. However, now my gums and teeth are so sore that that particular cereal is so painful to eat - and in turn, I'm paying for it. Let's see...what else? Oh. I've picked up a drooling habit and then I read that I've already starting creating extra saliva... Lovely, isn't it? The strangest symptoms come from being pregnant. For now, I'm happy to not be throwing up, but at the same time I wish I'd have some concrete signs of being pregnant. I read that morning sickness and things like that come closer to 6 weeks of being pregnant, and I'm only 5 weeks in. I was feeling so not pregnant last week that on Friday we went out and bought a home pregnancy test just to make sure. It was fun to see the 2 little lines pop right out. I baggied up the test stick, but not sure what to do with it. Is it weird to save something that has my urine on it? Will it go bad? Yuck. But it's proof of our baby. Or babies. That leads me to my next topic...

I'm fairly preoccupied with the idea of having twins. We had 2 embryos implanted and our numbers quadrupled when they were expecting them to double in 2 days. The numbers really are not indicative of multiples, but they could be. I'll be so happy when we hear the heartbeat, for completely obvious reasons - we'll be hearing our baby's heartbeat for the very first time(!), but also because I can lay to rest the idea that we may be having twins. Hmmmm.

There are some people in the blog world that have been having their transfers last week and this week! Yay! I feel great baby vibes all over the blogosphere!!!! Keeping sending baby thoughts our way, as we're not out of the woods yet. Thanks!

Oh - and in case you're wondering what our next steps are: we go for another blood test on Wednesday, just to be sure our numbers are steadily rising, and then we schedule our ultrasound for next week. Whoop! We can (quite possibly) hear our baby's heartbeat NEXT week, people! How crazy is that!?!?!? I can't WAIT! I'll try to keep in touch, and report back as the pregnancy symptoms increase.

I know I'm not supposed to tell so early, but...

2010-04-12T16:39:00.000-07:00

BFP!!!! That's right! Big Fat Positive!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So very different this time around

2010-04-03T07:33:00.000-07:00

So I finally caved in and called the Fertility Center this morning. I'm still experiencing a lot of pain and discomfort (to say the least!) really low in my stomach (uterus/bladder area). I didn't have ANY pain at all last time around. I keep telling myself that different is good, but I'm actually a little worried. I haven't been weighing myself every day (completely spaced that they want to make sure I don't gain 3-4 pounds in a day - apparently that's some really serious complication going on), and I hate when that's my first answer: duh, I forgot. I'm so good about following their exact instructions. Anyway, turns out that the pain is ok, especially since it's getting better each day. I notice that after a night of sleep and lying flat my stomach doesn't hurt when I get up. But as soon as I'm sitting upright for a little while and then try to stand up, I can't stand up straight because of the pulling and pressure way down low. Ugh. It's almost like I did way too many sit-ups, only it's worse than that. Such a hard thing to describe. Can you tell I'm a little nervous? I'm rambling, even on my blog! I'm going to sign off. Hahaha! Here's to everything being OK! Better than OK! Think babies!!!!!!!

Let the fun begin!

2010-03-31T17:51:00.000-07:00

I had forgotten what the side effects of progesterone feel like! I'm not going to write much, but we had the transfer today and we're feeling great - very positive! But boy do I feel lousy! I'm not complaining, really I'm not. I woke up from a nap convinced I was getting the flu, and then Ed reminded me that this is exactly what I felt like last time. Joint pain is the number one side effect with this stuff for me. So, that being said, I'm going to bed and thinking I'm going to have glorious dreams of us starting our family! I'm so happy that we got some strong embryos! Yay us!

Prayers are being answered!

2010-03-30T08:59:00.000-07:00

The egg retrieval was yesterday... Of the 10 follicles that were spotted on Friday of last week, TEN were eggs! That's just amazing - the number 10 was not even in my mind... I was figuring on half, so 5. We got 10! Yay! Then there's the fertilization that happens through the night, and I expected that to at least cut in half. BUT we got 6! So even if only half make it through the night to be ready for implantation, we still will have 3. That means 1 or 2 can be implanted tomorrow and the 1 or 2 leftover can be frozen for when we are ready for baby #2. That would be such a blessing! So tomorrow is the transfer! I'm really excited.

One big bummer about yesterday and today is that I feel SO much worse than last time. Everything is so different this time around - which actually is a good thing, since I didn't get pregnant last time. I will say that I've been in a lot of pain - I feel like there's a small bag of daggers rolling around in just above my pelvis and every time I move it is excruciating until that bag settles in a comfortable position. And lots of bleeding this time around. Last time I had no bleeding and no pain or discomfort. It makes sense - they're basically poking around your ovaries with a giant needle and sucking the eggs up. I guess since there were so many more eggs this time around, there was more poking - hence the blood and pain. I had some complications yesterday and so I ended up being there for 3 hours, as opposed to the 1 hr last time around. Not complaining, because different is what I'm going for.

Another great and different thing that happened this time around was that we got our own doctor! He wasn't scheduled and so there was some definite talking going on between the doctor that was doing retrievals and transfers yesterday, but that's fine. We got the fantastic Dr. Hardy and he got 10 eggs! I'm confident that he is our key to success, along with other things like following a better diet and lifestyle for fertility. When the nurse called today with the fertilization report, I clarified that we definitely wanted Dr. Hardy for our transfer tomorrow, too. I'm so excited!!! I wonder if he'll transfer 1 or 2 embryos. I really want 2, but that obviously increases the chance of having twins. Kind of scary, but also very exciting. I want 2 embryos transferred because everyone I know that has done IVF has gotten pregnant the 3rd or 4th time when they've had 2 embryos implanted rather than 1. 1 out of those 4 women have had twins. To me, it is just better insurance that ONE will take, with a possibility of twins. I'll let you know after the transfer tomorrow! I'm going to be home for the next few days, being fairly still. Last time I literally laid still for 5 days. This time I'll be less vigilant, but only because being relaxed and not stressed is a much better way for this pregnancy to take. I will also be stopping for an intense acupuncture session on my home from the fertility clinic tomorrow. Statistics go way up with acupuncture. Yay Bill!!! Oooooooook. I'm off to take a nap. I guess the anesthesia must still be wearing off because I had a 5 hour nap yesterday afternoon and still went to bed at 11pm and slept til 10:30 this morning. Yikes! I'm going to have some chicken soup that my mother in-law made me yesterday. She's so sweet! Have a great day and think BABIES!

-Nissa (I'm not proof reading this, so excuse the mistakes)

Let them be eggs!

2010-03-27T14:18:00.000-07:00

Just to give you an idea of what's going on: This 1st picture is a picture of 9 (from what I can tell) follicles. This only happens when you're on fertility medication that stimulate follicle growth, which is what I've been taking (Gonal F, 225 units) for the past 8 days. I currently have 10 follicles that may or may not contain eggs.

This 2nd picture is a picture of a natural cycle, with hopes of only the 1 follicle and subsequent egg. So different! So imagine, all those follicles squished up inside me. I really am bloated and definitely feel full, in a way. Hard to explain, but it's definitely there.

I had the scheduled blood test and ultrasound yesterday, and left in tears (again!). Luckily, Ed came with me - which was kind of fun, because although he usually comes with me to these appts, he never (unless it's a big appt) actually goes into the ultrasound. I decided he probably would really like to know what goes on so he can know why I'm crying or why I'm elated, etc. And sure enough - he was VERY interested and thought it rather amazing, even if it did bring me to tears. I now know poor Kathleen (the sonographer) gets extremely uncomfortable when I get upset, because she scurries out quickly as if it's privacy that will help me. The last time around I didn't know enough to be upset, but now I'm more aware of what's going on and I just can't usually hold back the tears. I thought about calling her after just to let her know that I'm actually not being greedy when I cry for more than 10 follicles. I want to explain that I only have our first cycle to go by, and that I had 12 follicles then and only ONE embryo made it to the transfer stage. I'm sure I look/sound like a whiny brat to her - some people can't get ANY eggs. So I'm trying to be happy with 10 and overjoyed that our 0% chance has risen to 48.8%. After all, we could have 10 eggs (not highly likely, but...) I'm feeling pretty good about it, actually. And I'd like to also report that my estrogen was at 898 yesterday! Whoop! It never got above 313 last cycle. Yayyyyy! That really gives me great hope!

So I got a call today (which was kind of surprising, since I didn't have a test today that would change anything from yesterday - I guess they just figure that all the numbers are going up the way they are supposed to) to stop all the medication that I've been taking and that tonight Ed is to give me my "trigger" shot! Crazy! That was only a total of 8 days, not 22 like last time. So tonight at 10pm Ed will give me and gigantic shot in my behind, tomorrow will be a complete day off from any medication(!), and then Monday Ed and I are to arrive to give our sperm & eggs! I'm so excited and I'm feeling SO good about all of this!

I also want to mention that I spoke up to the nurse today and requested Dr. Hardy for our retrieval and transfer. She assured me that even though another doctor was scheduled for us, she will talk to our doctor tomorrow and he will most-likely do our procedures. I felt badly, because we honestly didn't HATE the other doctor, but he wasn't as kind and gentle and didn't walk us through every single step like our regular doctor does. I really hope we get to see Dr. Hardy at least for the transfer later in the week, if not for both procedures.

So now we wait for Monday (and pray for close to 10 eggs!!!! or even a full 10!), and then they'll fertilize my eggs with Ed's sperm (in a petri dish) overnight. We'll be instructed to call Tuesday, after 10am, to get our report on how many eggs fertilize successfully and they'll also tell us what day to go in for the transfer. It'll be either a 2, 3, or 5 day transfer. Wow! This is all happening so fast - I'm SO glad. Last time seemed to drag on and on and on. Keep us in your thoughts!

Update

2010-03-24T16:39:00.001-07:00

Hi! So I'm in the middle of making dinner, and waiting for Ed to come home. I have a few minutes while the sauce simmers, so I thought I'd give a quick update with the IVF stuff. Things are going to probably change every day and before I know it, the retrieval and transfer will happen! Yikes! I feel like if I don't write on the day something changes, I'll end up skipping updates as we go. So anyway, today was a 6:30am blood test and ultrasound (keeping up with the every other day thing). I was really hoping for LOTS of follicles. I always am. I'm a little messed up this time around, because this is a much shorter cycle than last time. I was assuming that today would be the big day as far as follicle counting. I should've asked ahead of time because I left the ultrasound in complete tears. I was actually that woman in the fertility center who doesn't have her husband with her (most don't at that hour) and rushed through the waiting room and out the door about to burst at the seams. Not fun. I immediately called Dr. Hardy's Care Team (I love that they're called the Care Team and not plain old nurses - it goes right along with how they handle me. Love them!) and left a sobbing message about how I only have 10 follicles (20 total, but only 10 that were the right size, which is >10mm). I had 12 last time and only 6 were eggs, only 3 fertilized and only ONE made it to the the transfer stage. In my message I went on about how this is just so reminiscent of the last cycle and WHY was this happening again, etc. The thing is, although it only takes 1 egg to make a baby, only a certain percentage will even make it to the transfer. And I've read people having 30 eggs! I'm not OLD, although I'm not young in the world of fertility either. I just feel like I should have more follicles. The dr called me back (usually it's someone from the Care Team, so he obviously heard my crying message) and told me NOT to worry that we still had time and that everything looked good. I still feel like my estrogen level should be a little higher by now (it's in the 400s and needs to get to about 3000 or so) and I want MORE follicles, damn it! Please pray for follicles and eggs! Please.

There was 1 change to my medication - starting tonight, I'll add a Cetrotide shot. So, now I'm up to 3 shots a day, but they're still the easy kind that I just give myself in the stomach. The tough ones come starting on the day of the actual embryo transfer. These shots, I can handle. For now.

PS - I take it back - the hormones are a ragin'! I cried most of today over mostly everything. Oh well. Could be worse.

I'll try to write more later. I had an interesting day at work that I want to blog about and also I had quite a debacle with my early morning shot that I want to write about. Off to finish dinner for now, and then American Idol and Modern Family (might have to be one or the other with the timing, but I can't remember.). Anyway, have a great night and I'll be back soon! Please pray (in your own little way!) for us and these follicles! Lots of follicles and eggssssssssss!
Thanks!

-Nissa (I don't have time to proof read this either)

Quick cycle!

2010-03-23T09:02:00.000-07:00

So I hate to speak too soon, but really - this cycle hasn't been bad at all! I'm going to outline it just so it makes a little more sense:

Feb 19 - March 14 I took birth control pills (53 days without my period! whoop!)
March 19 blood test/ultra sound, Day 1 (period)
March 19 start Menopur (mix 3 vials powder w/1cc of sodium chloride) - shot in evening
March 20 start gonal f pen 225 units - shot in the morning, and menopur in evening
march 21 gonal f in morning, menopur in evening
march 22 blood test, gonal f in morning, menopur in evening
march 23 gonal f in morning, menopur in evening
march 24 blood test/ultra sound, gonal f in morning

Tomorrow, I'll wait for the call from the nurse with further instructions. I was very surprised when I got the call yesterday (following my blood test) saying that I would most-likely have my egg retrieval over the weekend, and the embryo transfer early-mid next week. That means 7-10 days of prep time. That's just nuts to me - since it was 22 days before the retrieval last time.

Although the side effects are certainly effecting me, they're different side effects. Side effects that I'm receiving with open arms because they're NOT raging, screaming, bitching hormonal side effects. I'm sure Ed's happy about that, too! I don't love the headache and the lack of energy and the bloatedness, but again - I'll take it over being a nut like last time. But like I said earlier, I don't want to speak too soon... Still 4 more medications to throw into the mix before it's all said and done.

Today is a day of positivity, and it feels great! Although it's raining and gloomy outside, I'm managing to feel rather hopeful. I think it's acupuncture - it makes such a difference in my frame of mind. My acupuncturist (and dear friend) told me this morning that my tongue looks the best it's ever looked. I'm pumped to hear that, because I've been borderline anemic and I've strived (through diet) to turn that around. I seriously am so proud of myself for turning that around. I need to not be anemic to get pregnant and carry a baby - it's not impossible to get pregnant with anemia but it's very helpful to NOT be anemic. Finally, a goal accomplished through diet! Even if it's not actually losing weight, at least this is a step in the right direction. It's a diet that leads to better health and you just can't beat that.

So I honestly can't remember if I've talked statistics on here about the fact that there's a 48.8% chance that I'll ever get pregnant - if not, I'd like to mention how stuck on that statistic I have been. I keep trying to remind myself that without fertility treatment there is a 0% chance I'd ever get pregnant, and so I'm extremely lucky and blessed to even have that whopping 48.8% chance. And I'm grateful. I am. Thank God for the amazing world of technology and fertility! But holy moly - that's LESS than 50%! Yikes! But again - I'm having a positive day - I'm positive I'm going to get pregnant!

I also want to mention how incredibly LUCKY we are for so many reasons during our IF (infertility) journey, on so many levels. I've read some other IF blogs and boy - they can be really depressing. My heart really goes out to these women and their husbands. First of all, we are ridiculously lucky to just live in Massachusetts during this time of our lives!!!! I just read that one woman paid out $10,536 to her fertility clinic and almost $800 to the pharmacy for one cycle of IVF. Ed and I are covered for at least 3 IVF cycles - we have paid maybe 4 co-pays of $25 and $156 for the first round of meds and $165 for this current round of meds. I think we paid $250 for the first surgery (tubal ligation, ultimately) back in November. That's it. We're so fortunate! If we had to make these decisions based on whether or not we had an extra $11,000 lying around, I'm afriad there'd be no decision to make! We'd just have to accept that.

Also, Ed and I are super lucky to have the relationship we have! We talk. Thankfully, we talk and talk and talk. I'm not going to lie, Ed has a tendency to pick fights (over the most ridiculous things!) with me at exactly the WRONG time - like the very first day of fertility cycles, or the day I get home from surgery and I'm supposed to be babied and treated very gently. But I've learned to just not give into that and curl up in a ball in the bedroom and watch tv until he realizes that he's freaking out (inside, emotionally), too. It's not the most fun way to interact, but we're figuring it out. We also were VERY effected by the hormone injections (see raging bitch above) during our last cycle, so that brought on lots of fighting. Other than that, for the most part, Ed and I talk about all of our feelings and our emotions surrounding fertility. We're on the same page - try and try and try. Don't give up. Again, I'm sure it would be harder to make that deicision if we dropped $11,000 every time we tried. But for now, we're lucky. We're hopeful. We WILL get pregnant. I know that.

I am torn about these other blogs... I'm not sure if I should stop reading these blogs. On one hand, they're really showing me how often fertilility treatments don't work. One blog is entitled: Dreams Really Do Come True. I thought: Finally! I can read a blog that has a positive spin on things. Well, it did. Sort of. This couple became parents, yes. But they adopted. While we're not opposed to adoption, we're just not ready to let go of our dream to have a biological child. So to me, that was not necessarily a happy blog for me to read. Then I found a blog that was called: You, Me and the Petri. Cute titles out there! She was pregnant with twin boys! Whoop! But her story wasn't similar enough to give me that feeling of: Yes! We're on the same page! She got pregnant on her first IVF cycle, and we failed our first cycle. Ugh. Oh well - she DID get pregnant through IVF, and that's what matters. On the other hand, these blogs make me realize just how lucky of a situation I'm in and that keeps my hope alive. I have to say - this whole business of having to have at tubal ligation last November (which I thought was such a HUGE problem in having a baby) is really a minor set back. If I had trouble with my eggs, or if Ed had trouble with his sperm, we'd be MUCH worse off. I'm very thankful for so many reasons surrounding our infertility. Positive and thankful today. It feels good.

That was a close one!

2010-03-20T07:50:00.000-07:00

Between Ed, my father, and I, we were waiting for Fed Ex from 8am-6pm, and they never showed up. Our meds were supposed to be shipped between 8am-3pm. I called the fertility pharmacy (it's a special pharmacy, just for fertility meds) and they assured me that it was "in transit" from Peabody. At 6pm Ed got nervous and called them back - turns out whoever entered our address into the Fed Ex system typed in 130 instead of 103 for our address. This is all time sensitive stuff, and some of it needs to be refrigerated asap! Yikes! Plus, when I got the call with our instructions, I was to start last evening. That meant we were definitely down to the wire. So Ed and I had to shoot up to the Fed Ex Shipping Center in Peabody - only about a 25 minute drive, but still! Not exactly how we had planned to start this cycle off. Anyway, two different shots a day (one friday night, one saturday morning and saturday night) and then blood test at 6:30 tomorrow (Sunday) morning. Fun fun! I will say, however, that the shipment wasn't nearly as big as the last cycle. Let's hope that means less hormones and craziness, as well! The first 2 shots went fine - back to business as usual. It's second nature at this point. Remember, I took 3 shots a day for a few weeks just 2 months ago, so no biggie. It's the shots that Ed has to give me on my behind that start the day of the transfer (and last for up to 12 weeks, if the cycle takes) that are absolutely horrendous! Giant needle, slowly shooting a lovely thick oil into my butt. Can't wait. How crazy is it that I'll have the egg retrieval and transfer in 2 weeks?!?!?!? This time around is much quicker than the last cycle. Yikes! Think babies, people! Actually, think: babY. Not babies. We'll, obviously, be excited for twins, but just one would be great. It's going to be 70 degrees today and I have some errands to do before we head out of town with some great friends to the batting cages! And since the batting cages are RIGHT next door to Richardsons Ice Cream, I'm obviously going to have to have some - fertility diet and all. It's a must. ;-) Happy Saturday!

-Nissa

Round 2, here we come!

2010-03-19T05:56:00.000-07:00

Today marks day 1 in our second IVF cycle. That means today was my first blood test and ultrasound (vaginal - fun!) to begin the rest that comes with it. I'll get a call sometime between noon and 6pm, instructing me on what comes next - could be shots starting today or tomorrow, pills, starting today or tomorrow, or simply to come back in tomorrow or Sunday for more tests before I get started on any medication. It all depends on today's test results. None of it is right or wrong or good or bad - it is what it is and we work with what we have.

Right now I'm sitting at home, waiting for my box of medication to be delivered by Fed-Ex. Last time I got this delivery, I sat on the floor and completely cried my eyes out. I had no idea it was going to happen and I had scheduled the delivery to come to work. Luckily, the big kids were in school and the baby was napping, because I just couldn't control my emotions. I got so overwhelmed, staring at all these different vials and syringes and needles! I had no idea there were going to be SO MANY different things in that box, and the packing list was SO LONG! Photos are of Cycle #1 goodies.

This week has been interesting, building up to today. People keep asking me if I'm ready... I think I'm ready, I really do. But I'm not 100% sure and that's making me nervous. Should I be all gung-ho (sp?)??? I guess I am pretty gung-ho, actually. I'm following the diet that I'm supposed to, I've been going to acupuncture (ok, I went last week and missed this week - but will go soon, I promise - myself). I'm ready. I wasn't able to pull myself out of bed at 5am this week to hit the gym like I was last week, but I have been outside all week with the kids and been relatively active - running the bases with Aeneas during our little sidewalk chalk game of baseball we set up, etc. I'm ready. But I'm nerrrrrrrvous! That's not to say that I'm not feeling good about this cycle - I am. I feel like it's going to take - the average for my fertility clinic is 2.2 cycles for a live birth. With that statistic, I felt ok with the first cycle not taking. I wouldn't say I was ok with the news in the sense that it didn't bother me - Ed and I were both super sad and tears definitely fell on the day that we got the call (even though I certainly felt in my bones that I wasn't pregnant all along). But we weren't SHOCKED. But now it's cycle 2. This should work. We're doing everything right, and it should work. So when I answer the question: "Are you ready?" with a hesitant I think, it's only because I'm not ready for all that comes with the (I hear a delivery truck! whoop! nope. ugh.) taking the hormones and I'm not ready for the giant needles that we have to give me (I can do 3 of the 4, but Ed has to give me the biggest one in my rear). It really was a nightmare last time. I cried. I cry all the time anyway, but I really CRIED and CRIED over everything. And the fits! Oh, the fits! I threw fits like I hadn't thrown in years! Stamping with clenched fists and screaming so loud my veins were bulging. I may or may not have actually cleared the entire kitchen table with one fell swoop of my arm, in a fit of rage. My meds have been shifted some since the last cycle (since that exact concoction didn't work), so hopefully I'll be a little less emotional. Dr Hardy certainly didn't elude to that, but we can hope. We shall see.

Oh boy. Here we go... Ed just called to check in on this morning's appt (it was only the 2nd out of at least 15 that he wasn't able to join me) and to see if the box was delivered yet and I totally started crying. Sobbing. Why does this happen? I just get so overwhelmed with all the what ifs and I just cry at the sound of his voice. Oh boy. The sonographer (my favorite sonographer of the 3 I regularly have, mind you) said everything looked great from the ultrasound and everything went fine when giving blood - I should NOT be upset. But I am. It's funny (not sure if funny haha or funny odd, but funny somehow), on the way to my appt this morning, I was crying happy tears when our wedding song came on the radio. I was remembering back to the first night of our honeymoon, when Edwin McCain asked the crowd: "Are Ed and Nissa here?" I was so shocked that one of my favorite musicians knew my name and congratulated us on our marriage and then played our wedding song. My new husband had already shown me how special he was, but this was above anything I'd expected. Ed wrote to Edwin McCain, explaining what a huge fan I am and that we had chosen our honeymoon based on his performance, etc. How fun! So yes, this morning - just 4 hours ago - I was crying happy tears over continuing our journey to starting a family and now I'm crying very different tears. I'm not a nervous person in general, but this makes me so nervous. Statistically, we should be ok. But really, there's only a 48.8% chance I'll ever get pregnant. That doesn't sound nearly as good as 2.2 cycles for a live birth. Ugh. Statistics. They give me hope and a sense of doom all at the same time. I have to say - this time around is going to be a very different experience, I can already tell. Just this morning, I was so much more interested in the sonographer's results. Last time I had no interest at all (no questions or anything - it was all foreign), because I didn't know what I was looking for. This time I was all over her - asking all kinds of questions about the numbers and the positions of ovaries and follicles, etc. I was a little disappointed that she didn't remember me right away (after all, it was this very woman who first pointed out the giant lake hanging around in my insides, which pointed to my soon after diagnosis), but I had to remind myself that in the 2 month break we were on from fertility, hundreds of women have been in for ultrasounds. She (Kathleen is her name, oh favorite one) was quick to join me in the happy reunion when I reminded her, I happily report, but still.

So I'm happy to be starting cycle #2. I really am. I'm happy to know more of what's happening with my body this time around, and happy to be more aware of what to expect, and happy to be that much closer to becoming a mommy (which feels silly to type, I admit). Studies show that the 2nd time around is much easier on we women, since we are not so nervous about the unknown of what's to come. But I'm wondering if I'm actually more nervous this time because I know what to expect. Who knows? I sure don't.

Well, the delivery truck still hasn't arrived (although I swear I've heard 3 or 4 go down our tiny little street), but I'm going to get off the computer and get some things done around the house. Have a great day and send happy thoughts our way!

-Nissa

I can't beleive Jessica Simpson was only a size 4 in those mom jeans!!!!

2010-03-05T06:11:00.000-08:00

I just watched Oprah - the episode with Jessica Simpson. I have to say - I really was baffled by what is happening around the world, regarding weight. I can't say I'm shocked...I studied Sociology in college. I get it. But WOW! I just am so shocked (and quite disturbed!) that one person can say: "You need to lose 10 kilos if you want to be a model," and that's enough to send someone into a life-long, life-threatening eating disorder! I wonder why I'm not effected by the media and society enough to get my ass into shape. I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I really have. I get that whole thing. My weight has had some kind of control over my life. Always. I am who I am, I act the way I act, etc. because of my weight. I'm completely serious. What I wear, how I interact with people, how I enter a room....all of it. It's all weighing upon how "fat" I feel right then and there. It is literally on my mind most of the time - even randomly during conversations I'm in the middle of, I'll stop listening and think - "Holy shit! I just got so into that conversation that I had my head tilted in the position that gives me 3 chins! How could I let that happen!" Or: "Nissa! Suck your stomach in!" That's my own little voice inside my head, constantly aware of my weight. Yet, I can't seem to eat healthier or get my "ass the size of Cleveland" (as a "friend" referred to it in the 7th grade as, strangely complimenting me) to the gym. I wonder why that is. Part of me thinks that it's because I'm strong and confident, but more of me thinks that it's because I'm weak. Because I have no will-power. I've always loved food - people who don't love food are just plain strange to me. My brother, for example. Jesse really only eats when he's hungry. Who does that?!?! I feel like if I only ate when I was hungry, I just wouldn't eat. Clearly, that's because I haven't ever let myself GET hungry. Maybe that's an exaggeration - I have had hunger pangs in my life. I sometimes wake up SO hungry. But it's hardly ever. I eat so much that it takes a long time for me to get hungry. What's up with that? It seems I should be 500 pounds.
I credit myself with having "healthy habits," and that being my saving grace. By healthy habits I mean, I really don't drink anything but water - especially in the house. I try really hard to not keep juice or soda or anything that isn't water around. I try really hard to buy only whole foods - nothing from the box. And for the most part, I stick to those 2 rules. It's very rare - and only if we have company - that I veer from those rules. Actually, the things we regularly have (I just checked our cabinets and fridge) that are super processed are: fat-free hazelnut cream for our coffee for both of us, the actual coffee for both of us, all-natural Jones frozen breakfast sausage for Ed, yogurt, fiber-one whole wheat bread, and raisin bran all for me. Those are the staples we have that are not whole foods. Not too bad, compared to most people I know. But still - I eat TONS of processed foods outside of the house. I have no self control when I'm outside of the house - cupcakes, cookies, candy, soda. Whatever I want, I eat. Yikes! Stop the madness! Again - I really should be an oompa loompa. Maybe I am... I'm 5'2" and I weigh 172 pounds! That's BEYOND obese in the dr's office. But why don't I feel obese? Why do I look in the mirror and feel pretty ? I don't feel skinny, but I feel ok. Pretty good, in fact. Is something missing in my brain that doesn't let me see how gross I look? I can see pretty in the mirror and as soon as I leave the house I feel gross! I'm so conflicted - am I fat? Am I fine? Am I exactly what I'm supposed to be? I think maybe I should lose 20 pounds. I'd be 152 pounds. Big by some standards, but smaller than I've been since high school and honestly, I'd be feeling super fine! Really. I felt pretty damn good at my wedding and that was only 10 pounds lighter than I am now. I don't know. This is such a jumbled mess of my thoughts and feelings on my weight and my mind-set. It's just that I saw this anorexic woman on Oprah and just can't fathom how people can get actually SICK over what people say about their weight. I know it happens. I'm not questioning it or not believing these people. One of my very best friends has bulemia and I have attended numerous group therapy sessions, etc. as a supportive friend. I just don't understand how I can be 172 pounds, be obsessed with my weight, yet not do anything about it. It's so strange. Anytime I see someone I haven't seen in a while, they say: "You look great!" I automatically assume they mean I look thinner than the last time they saw me.

Right now, I'm confronted with a different reason to be healthy; fertility. I always thought that as soon as I was faced with the responsibility of taking care of a child there would be no question about it. I would just simply do that, do whatever it took to "take care" of this *unconceived, at this point* child. Turns out, I'm having a hard time with that. I'm about to start round 2 of an IVF cycle and I really really should get my act together. I should be eating healthy, I should be exercising. Eating for fertility really isn't a strict diet - it's a great diet, in fact. Why am I not following it? Does it mean that I don't really want this baby? Absolutely not. I want this IVF cycle to take so badly that I can taste it!

All I can do is try harder, and that I shall do!

I started writing this post last week - I opened it again today, to finish it and I can say that I have started to take control. Ed and I got up at 5am and hit the gym. Here's to trying harder! Whoop whoop!

Where do I even begin?

2010-03-03T14:18:00.000-08:00

I'm not quite sure how I want to handle getting everyone caught up to my current life situation. I guess I'll just brief you on a few things and then I'll fill in some blanks as I go.

Things I'll most-likely write about in this blog will be:

My job - I'm a nanny for a great set of parents (both doctors), and their 3 children. I have a very hard time with the oldest child - a 6 yr old girl. The middle child (4/5 yr old boy) is a happy-go-lucky guy who is just starting to become a bit more aggressive and less fun and more work, and a 10 month old baby boy who is an absolute joy!
My husband - I've been married for almost 7 months! I got engaged to Ed after 2 months of dating, and we got married 8 months later! Fun stuff!
Our fertility journey - we realized soon after we got married that I was going to have trouble (mostly a hunch, really) getting pregnant, so we sought medical help right away. We were almost immediately sent for testing and I was diagnosed with a problem that needed only minor surgery, but would prevent me from every getting pregnant naturally. We were told right away (at our follow-up appt after all the tests) that our only hope would be IVF. We've since gone through one unsuccessful IVF cycle, and we're going to start our next cycle in about 20 days. It hasn't been too terrible (yet!), but having an outlet like this blog to chat about the daily happenings will be very helpful, I'm sure!

Those are the biggest things I anticipate writing about. Other than that, it'll just be about my life! I've been creating this blog for about an hour and 40 minutes (and reading old posts from my past blog!) and I really need to get some things done around the house. I see the biggest challenge being finding time to actually sit down and type. Currently, Ed and I are into way too many television shows. I'm going to have to weed out some of the shows because less reading is happening and I've never thought lots of tv was great. Somehow, I'm a total tv-head. I do NOT want this to be my norm. That being said, I'm going to try my best to get back on tonight but it may have to wait for Elijah's nap tomorrow. I'm thinking I'll bring the computer and type away during what I hope to be a 2 hr nap. We'll see. Goodnight, friends. It's nice to be back!